This past Sunday, Brit Hume (Fox News’ answer to Walter Cronkite) offered up some friendly advice to Tiger Woods to help him with his recent travails. Simply put, he suggests Woods – FIND JESUS! Yes, according to Hume, if Tiger turned to the Christian faith, he would make a complete recovery and become a great example to the world. Brit-Brit went on to say that Golfer-Boy’s current Buddhist status does not afford the complete and total comprehensive redemption that Christianity does…fascinating stuff, sounds like insurance coverage.

If Christianity is the new Geico, then Brit-Brit could be its lizard mascot.

Ah these wacky Christian conservos and their magical thinking — there’s absolutely no problem that can’t be solved with a little prayer. The abject childishness never fails to astonish me.

As we head into a new decade, it seems religion (Christianity in particular) continues to thrive amongst a large swathe of the American population. I wouldn’t mind so much, as everyone’s entitled to his or her personal beliefs; it’s just the leaders of the cause who have direct impact upon my life that I object to. This is why I’ve been seriously considering starting my own religion. I mean, if these muldoons are so gung-ho to believe in fairy tales, why not believe in me? After all, I’m skinny white and bearded. I even look like Jesus. Why not pray to me? If you do, I offer you salvation. Screw around as much as you like with whomever you like  –  you’re absolved. In fact, I say go for it! After all, doesn’t the bible say go forth and multiply?

As for the major hot topics like abortion and same sex marriage, I’m all in favor. In fact,I believe in most cases abortion should be mandated. Look at our history as a civilization, all the pointless wars, persecution of innocents, and repression of freedom. If the majority of the nimrods that have run our world had been aborted, I believe we’d all be far better off.

Speaking of gay marriage, where’s the downside? It controls population and gets all those third world cast-away babies adopted, not to mention all the added FABULOUSNESS potentially imparted to the next generation – it’s a win-win!

So, what do you think? Will you join my flock? C’mon… what the flock! In the end you won’t be any better or worse off than you are right now, but at least I’d feel special. Just think about it. As an added bonus,  if you decide to throw in with me, I promise to protect you from the Mayan ghosts that are coming to eat your soul in 2012.

May you all have a blessed day!