1 July

Sweet Carnage..

Last night on a whim, I decided to rent Rambo - 2008 off of OnDemand. I've never been a particular fan of the initial installments of John Rambo and his adventures - although I did kind of like First Blood as a kid - still, for some reason I had a bug up my ass to watch it. Well, let me tell you something, not only is it the best film of the year hands down, it might be the best film of the decade. Never before have I seen a film with such supremely satisfying carnage. Imagine the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, and extend to to an hour and a half - that's Rambo 2008. Stallone is incredible. To see him at over 60 years of age run around, and engage in such physicality, it's mind boggling. It really is a testament to the wonders of steroids! The plot - such as it is - is pretty basic, but the action... Jesus, SWEET! I have never been so fully sated as far as blood and guts are concerned. The film just whizzes by at an economical 1:45. It just proves the fact that films need not be 2 hours plus - ESPECIALLY ACTION FILMS!!! There's absolutely no point to it. Just get to the point, and lets see some bodies blown apart as quicly as possible! Seriously, go rent this film now, you won't be disappointed I assure you.

Another film I rented recentloy was 10,000 BC. It was decidedly not horrible, yet ultimately unrewarding. The thing was, I wish I was more knowledgable about the stone age, because I kept wondering if there was any accuracy at all going on as far as what actually WAS in 10,00 BC. For instance, did a giant dinosaur like man eating bird exist? 'Cause that would be fucikng cool. The plot was basic Joseph Campbell, Heroes Journey stuff. It was definitely watchable, but I can't give it a full throttle recommendation.

Today's my second day of vacation, and I don't really feel any of the usual malaise which accompanies my month off. I'm just hapy to have the time off. I was really limping towards the finish line these past few weeks. I'm going to relish the re-charging of my batteries, and not think about work at all.

July is a funny month for me. I'm not a fan really, that's why I take it off - I have no respect for it. July steals the summer away and brings fall around much too soon. Moreover, it harbors the 4th which has horrible memories associated with it for me. Memories of waling down to the village fair in my hometown of Piermont with the ridiculous hope of perhaps meeting a girl, and of course spending the night unnoticed as a ghost, only to walk home - uphill no less - with a belly full of zeppole, alone, dejected, rejected and hopelessly fat. Fuck the 4th of July.

Later this afternoon I'm having a secret meeting with longcipher, we have to figure out how wer'e gonna crack this thing wide open and get beneath the surface. Will let you know if we epiphanize.

 

 

30 June

 

Hand Jives

Last night, me and the mudskipper were watching 'America's Next Foodnetwork Star' - a show I usually catch simply due to the fact that it follows Iron Chef - when Lisa, one of the show's perky contestants appeared on the screen. I happen to think she's pretty cute, sporting a short banged bob, and a constant expression on her face which recalls Zoolander's 'Blue Steel' look - which if you're not familiar with the movie resembles a look one might get if they sucked lemon juice out of a tart snatch.

'Ewww.. What's with her face? She looks like a freak!'

'Really you think so??'

'You don't??'

To be funny, I started making a lascivious face, with my tongue lolling out of my head, drool dripping to and fro.

'EWWWW!! You think she's hot??!!'

I continued on with the expression, this time making some additional motions in the air mimicking the fondling of breasts, and licking of nipples.

'You're DISGUSTING!!'

Still, we both had a good laugh.

Later that night - still in bed and still watching the foodnetwork - 'Ace of Cakes' came on, and when Geof the skinny, bearded best friend of Duff - the show's main guy - came on, the mudskipper started making gestures in the air like she was stroking a large cock and fondling balls!!

'GETOUTTAHERE!!!'

'What?', she asked - continuing to stroke the imaginary rod.

Well I retaliated fondling the phantom breasts and caressing an invisible buttocks, even slipping a finger into a non-existent asshole!

'GROSS!!'

She then proceeded to suck and stroke in the air, giving some prostate stimulation for good measure. We were in tears of laughter as we continued to come up with more outlandish gesticulations.

I started to think how funny it was, that I could never joke around like this with some of the other people I've been with. I mean even the simple act of admitting you find another person attractive, even if that person is on TV, or someone you'd never meet, well, that can be tricky business in a relationship.

With the mudster, I really don't mind when she jokes around, as everyone she finds attractive usually falls within the same parameters of my own physical aesthetic. If she went on about people that looked nothing like me, well that would be a different story. Believe me, I've had that before...

Some ex-girlfriends described how attractive they've found people, that were the exact opposite in looks to mine. I mean, what the fuck does that mean?? Why the hell are you with ME then? What's worse is when they find people that DO look like you unattractive. Like one ex who after watching 'the pianist' together blathered on at length about how UGLY Adrien Brody was.

Passive aggressive enough?

In the end I think it's a healthy thing to joke around a bit - if you're both secure in your attraction for each other. Of course as I've said before, if there is no 'attraction parity' , there's really NO reason to stay together, it'll only lead to great unhappiness - and endless aggravation.

 

 

27 June

My Endorsement...

This is my last day before vacation, and believe you me it can't come soon enough. 

 

I am wiped out. I feel like I could sleep for a million years. I will say however, it's a bit disconcerting that I have no actual plans for what I'm going to be doing on my time off. I mean, what the hell am I going to do with myself? Usually my brother takes his vacation at the same time, but this year he can't. My girlfriend – the mudskipper- gets off a couple of weeks, so I won't be completely alone the entire time I suppose.

Time alone on vacation on paper sounds like good stuff, but I know all too well , it usually just means hanging around in a café for an hour, walking around like a ghost for a couple more and then going home to sleep for the rest of the day. Still, it beats working that's for sure. I suppose I can use the time wisely and get a lot of stuff done concerning Walrus – art, writing, etc… That would be the productive thing to be sure.

On other fronts, I'm slowly, slowly starting to fall in line with Obama. As the fallout settles down, and everyone's panties slowly start to untwist, I'm beginning to appreciate the guy more and more. I mean, first off, let's be honest, the guy looks like he was called down from central casting as far as what the 'dream president' would look like. Moreover, as far as policy is concerned, McCain is just a nightmare. I'm relieved to hear he finally got the 'bump' and is now 12 points ahead.  

After watching Bush this morning, sputter and dribble about the whole North Korea deal, I embrace Obama even more. America would finally after 8 dark years have someone we could be proud of in the oval office. So as master thespian Charlie Sheen once said…

'Alright Mr. Gekko.. You got me.' 

 

 

25 June

How perfectly goddamned delightful it all is to be sure

I've been particularly down in the dumps these past few days. I always knew I was a prime candidate for an early mid-life crisis. 'Mudpacker' - my girlfriend -  says I should keep this out of my blog, as it just sounds like whining, and bores her to tears.

Nice.

She says I should write about the wonderful adventure that is our relationship, and 'how perfectly goddamned delightful it all is to be sure '*.

Unfortunately I can't do that shit.

It's kind of like when I was in my band, and we were in the recording studio making our album for Arista, Ric Ocasek who was the producer, would pick out the really 'commercial' songs of ours to put on the record, and we'd balk.

'we don't want to wind up on Vh1'

Can you imagine? On the one hand, looking back on that younger self I want to take him by the throat and yell at him for being a clueless moron with absolutely no sense of self-preservation. On the other hand, I appreciate the integrity, I can't help it.

Among other major career gaffes, the Cartoon Network wanted us to write the theme song for their new cartoon at the time - Johnny Bravo. We didn't want to have that association, so we passed. Same thing with the movie 'a very Brady sequel', they wanted to use one of our songs in a major sequence of the film, which we passed on again for the same reason.

The mistakes I made were pretty astounding thinking back on it all. Once I told Guy Oseary – one of the most powerful people in the music business – that I thought Candlebox sucked moosecock. Of course they did, but it just so happened that they were good friends of his.

Then there was the time that me and my brother inadvertently almost got James Diener at Sony records fired. A long story, but it involved us 'speaking out of school' about him to our manager who was good friends with Donny Iner – the head honcho of Sony at the time. Anyway, a few years later, James Diener would go on to form Octone records and sign Maroon 5, and become one of the more powerful players in the business.

What does all of that mean? Well… On the one hand I've made bad decisions, but still… Maroon 5 totally does suck, so did Candlebox, and we were fighting against what we saw as the ruination of the state of music, trying to desperately maintain integrity as musicians and artists. It turns out we were totally dead on as far as that's concerned – the business is dead.

Still, if I had 'played ball', my life very well may have been completely different. Of course, instead of being a miserable wretch, I'd probably be a totally arrogant fuckface.

Which is worse?

What did I mean by all this? Oh yeah.. That I can't be 'commercial' I think is what I meant. I can't write the 'hit' just for the sake of currying favor with a wider audience. Maybe I'm the 'whiner' mudflapper says I am, it would stand to reason, I am after all Generation X – the whining generation.

Still, at least I had the balls to spit in the face of abject commercialism even if it did turn my life into complete shit in the process.

*that quote is from Robert Crumb's older brother Charles.. an even bigger genius than Robert who went crazy and eventually wound up killing himself while living with his mother and a house of cats at the age of 52.

 

 

24 June

100th Post!

Yesterday was my 100th post, but in lieu of the sad news I thought I'd save this post for today... My belated 100th post shuffle.

 

 

 

 

23 June

I'm sick with grief today, the master George Carlin has died.

Usually I'm not the type of person who gets all emotional over 'celebrity death', after all though it might be sad, it really has no effect on my life. With Carlin it's different. He was a shining beacon of truth, one of the few beautiful things I've experienced in my life. He was the funniest man that ever lived. I know it's clichéd as a fan to say 'he felt like part of the family', but he really did to me. I grew up with him, watching him on those HBO specials. His comedic genius was breathtaking. No one could have me on the floor gasping for breath like George Carlin. Still, he wasn't just silly, he was profound and thought provoking, insightful and incite-ful. He was an artist, a bastion of truth in a world filled with mendacity, and his death is inordinately painful to me.

I had another blog I was going to post, but I think I'll just leave it 'til tomorrow…

RIP George, you were a beautiful guy, a shining light, and a never ending source of inspiration….I'll miss you dearly..

 

20 June

Call it Macaroni..

I loved the 80s movie 'The Sure Thing' when I was a kid. I'm not too sure I'd like it now, as over the years I've grown to dislike Daphne Zuniga. I don't like her face, or the way she speaks. So consequently, I don't think I'd like 'The Sure Thing' anymore.

What if you were taking a vacation in some remote area of the world, like Bujumbura, and all of a sudden you saw someone you recognized from work, someone you've seen for years and never spoken to. You don't know them at all, and just from seeing them everyday in the elevator, your impression is that they're a complete asshole.

Would you say hello?

Would the fact that you both find yourselves in some place remote be enough of a reason to make an introduction?

I think the reason I liked 'The Sure Thing' initially is the fact that I've always loved road movies, especially road movies with a romantic bent. 'It Happened One Night' is one of my favorites of all time. Claudette Colbert was a lesbian, and hated Clark Gable, but that doesn't lessen my love for the film. If you think about it, 'The Sure Thing' is really similar to 'It Happened One Night', although I'm not sure whether or not Daphne Zuniga is a lesbian.

Daphne Zuniga.

What a dumb name… ZUNIGA. She was on that piece of shit show 'Melrose Place'. There was that other guy who played Billy – Andrew SHUE. That's a dumb name too. He's the brother of Elizabeth Shue, whom I always thought looked like a big walrus in Karate Kid. She looked like she was gonna eat Ralph Macchio.

'Be STRONG DANIEL.. BE STRONG!!!....or I'll eat you!!!!'

She was also in Woody Allen's 'Deconstructing Harry' playing one of Woody Allen's love interests. That was ridiculous. Woody and his ridiculously unrealistic movie love interests. I'd say the top 5 are:

Julia Roberts
Elizabeth Shue
Helen Hunt
Helena Bonham Carter
Mira Sorvino

'Mighty Aphrodite' totally sucked. I can't believe Mira Sorvino got the oscar for that piece of shit performance. All she did was put on some dumb accent that made her sound like a retarded Minnie Mouse with constipation. The mendacity of this world never ceases to astound me.

I once saw Paul Sorvino walking around NYC. I was around 11 or so, and I was with my mother driving around trying to find a parking spot to go eat at our favorite place 'Broadway Bay'.

I yelled out, 'LOOK PAUL SORVINO!!!'

He heard me and straightened up, and walked with a bit of spring to his step.

Broadway Bay was a lobster place on Broadway. We used to go there on special outings. Funny, at one time I guess I must've really enjoyed lobster. Nowadays, I definitely would not list that as my favorite crustacean. In fact, I'd go as far as to say, I dislike lobster. It thinks too highly of itself.

I'm meeting a friend at 1230 at the diner around the corner from my office. Normally I just have coffee at the local Blimpies, perhaps if I'm really hungry I'll partake in a 'Blimpies Best' on white, with lettuce, onion, sweet pepper, hot pepper, jalapeno pepper, black olive, pickles, salt and pepper. Sometimes I'll even have a small dish of macaroni or potato salad. Not lately though. The last time I had the macaroni salad at Blimpies, it had an odd odor, sort of an odd perfumed odor, like somebody's grandmother had stuck her flabby naked and perfumed ass in my macaroni salad.


Demented Yankee Doodle Grandma ..

'She stuck her anus in my plate and called it macaroni'

 

 

19 June

Joe Matt promo

Hey all.. check out our new YouTube promo on our interview with Joe Matt.

 

 

18 June

Friends

It's kind of funny, for someone as solitary as I am right now, I actually used to have a lot friends in my day. Even in High School, when I was a 'big, fat , Pariah' - not to be confused with Tom Waits' Big, Black, Mariah – I had a lot of friends. We used to call ourselves 'the Geek Squad' and cruise around town in my red corolla Tercel – 'The Geekmobile'. Out of the few friends I have remaining, 2 of them come out of that crowd – intrepid Walrus Comix staff members, Dave Kopperman, and Dave Zapanta. The rest of them kind of faded into the mist of time.

Faded into the mist of time…

I remember some commercial back in the 80s, where Paul McCartney was talking about how hundreds of Beatles songs had been written and never recorded, they'd just 'faded into the mist of time'. It was always such an evocative image. I think it was a commercial for Rolling Stone.

In college, I hung out with a bunch of different people, one of which I still know 'Bubba' whom me and my brother loved dearly. There was also this one kind of 'doppleganger' of me and my brother's called Levy -another cynical Jew who hated the world. We lost touch with him though, which I always regretted, as we probably had more in common with eachother than most people I've known.

We also hung out with a slew of I guess what you would call the hipsters of the day. I liked them well enough, especially a few guys out of that crowd named Damien, Matt, and Will.

Damien was this tall skinny kid with white blonde hair, who had this really dry sense of humor. Girls were always after him, which annoyed me to no end, but I also privately felt like I was part of the 'in crowd' around him. Matt was a good guitarist who had a great wit, and would crack me up to tears. I liked him so much in fact, that I didn't even mind when he started dating this girl Amy who I was completely obsessed with. Will, well he was the one out of the group most like me. A nerdy misfit. Thing was, he had this great big house that he lived in with just his mother, so we'd meet there a lot to hang out.

I like them all, but I always felt a bit the outsider. I think they kind of treated me and my brother a bit like we were these sort of misanthropic weirdos – which of course we were. On top of all that, I didn't take drugs, and they were always dropping acid and shit.

A couple of years later, I'd get signed, tour the country and take on more friends. Different kinds of friends, these of the 'kissing my ass' variety, which was something I certainly wasn't used to. Funny thing about those friends, they all disappeared as fast as they came once I had nothing to offer anymore.

Later on, I'd meet Longcipher, and he was really the last 'friend' friend I'd make – unless you count a trail of ex-girlfriends littered across the world, which I occasionally get an e-mail from once in a blue moon.

I remember my father once telling me when I was a kid, surrounded by comrades, he said, 'Yes, when you're young, you have a lot of friends… when you get older, they all disappear…'

.. faded into the mist of time.

You have to picture him saying that with a French accent.

 

 

17 June

Lost in the Supermarket

I find myself going to the supermarket late at night and wandering the aisles.

There's a distinct brand of melancholy a Supermarket takes on after hours. As I hobble around the aisles my bones creaking with ennui, I find myself looking wistfully at the shelves. Pop tarts, creamed herring, funyons, munchos… At certain periods in my life, I'd been a fan of all these things. Now I'm just an old man before his time, with a pain in his chest like a spear.

As I leave through the automatic door, I pass the wiffle bats, and the bouncy balls all multi colored and swirly and inwardly burst into tears over the official death of any vestige of youth I once had.

Last night I painfully sat through most/too much of Georgia Rule.

I know, I know, I shouldn'ta done it, but I couldn't help mahself. A few thoughts… This is the movie with that much publicized kerfuffle about how Lindsay Lohan was unprofessional, etc… Might I say that although she was undoubtedly putrid, and astoundingly haggard and debauched looking for a 20 year old girl, she was still the BEST thing in this piece of shit. Jane Fonda should be placed on an ice floe and set to sea like the Old Ones of the Inuit. She is horrifying. Dermot Mulroney, or how I like to call him 'Vomitatious ruiner of all celluloid' is typically stinky, and Felicity Huffman? How is she anything? She's got a nose that looks like punched around like an abused husband, she's overwrought, and just an uncomfortable presence overall.

Lindsay Lohan was the only SEMI watchable thing in it. Now THAT'S saying something.

Later that night, I had to watch 'The Conversation' to wash the taste out of my brain. I had a few thoughts watching that too… What was the deal with Cyndi Williams (of Laverne and Shirley fame)? Who did she fuck to have any sort of a career? That annoying voice, those rhumy looking eyes – and I'm just talking about Gene Hackman here…  Seriously, I hate Cyndi Williams. Gene Hackman is always watchable though as is the tremendous John Cazale!

 

 

16 June

Bumpers...

Spent all weekend working on promos for Walrus Comix with 'the mudster' or Mlle. Mud if you prefer. For some reason it wasn't loading up into Youtube, which was causing me more than a tad amount of annoyance and frustration. Eventually, it worked with Firefox – we had been using Safari.

Anyway, our first promo is for the Top 50 90s songs. As people are constantly searching on Youtube for all sorts of things, we figured it would be a good idea to advertise all our features and interviews on there, build our visibility, make us less invisible. The reason we chose the 90s songs first, is due to the apparently ravenous interest folks have for these 'top' lists, and in particular top lists of 90s music. We need to get in on some of that action.

The most fun part was coming up with the 'walrus bumper' that appears before each promo. I think we'll use that as a staple for all these little film ideas I have building in my head. Me and the mudster were mulling over the idea of making Walrus Comix short, short, short features. Basically making animated versions of those photo essays we've done in the past using stop motion photography.

I'm big into ideas, and construction, but I have little patience. I need everything done yesterday. Thing is, working with a Mac has proved to be slow going. All this rendering and shmendering, is so fucking eternal. It's fun to see it through to the end though.

Here's our first Walrus promo…

On other fronts, Tim Russert's passing was deeply saddening. As a news junkie, it's a true loss. Seeing the outpouring of love from all who knew this guy was actually very touching to watch.

I saw his kid on the Today show this morning… Unbelievably poised and mature. You know he's gonna be a big star someday.

 

 

12 June

No "New" Ain't Good News

 

Was thinking how the older you get, the fewer things in life feel new. Now of course, that seems like a pretty obvious thing, but it makes it no less depressing. I guess that's why old people travel – to find some NEW and interesting experience. So what happens if you're not interested in traveling? I suppose you live out the rest of your days in a zombified state, completely dead inside.

Sometimes if I'm lucky, I catch some movie on TCM I've never seen before, and I'm transported for a couple of hours. Still, those moments are few and far between. Feels like my whole life is flipping through channels. Even when I'm not flipping through channels, I'm flipping through channels. I suppose that's my main impetus to blog, to create, to reach out to an audience. In some way, these acts, meaningless as they may be are somehow providing me with the illusion of some sort of purpose. I try to avert my eyes away from the ultimate truth. Societal truths are one thing, and personal truths insomuch as revealing them and examining them, well I'm ok with that as well.. but the ultimate truth.. that's something else.

So I just wait for something good to come one…

Have I ever revealed that I love girls with large breasts with hair under their arms? I have?... just checking. Why aren't there more of those? I've had a few girlfriend's that have grown it out because I asked them to, but it's not the same thing. Women do nice things like that for their men. What would be the equivalent for a guy? Shaving their back? Or their balls?... I'm not taking a razor near my balls for anyone, but I would gladly let my hair grow out.

My vacation is fast approaching. I take all of July off. To me when July 4th rolls around, it already feels like the summer is ending. I hate July 4th. It reminds me of being this fat sweaty adolescent, rutting around the July 4th fair they held in my home town. I never got any action, and had to walk up my near vertical hill alone at the end of the night feeling nothing but fat and alone.

This year I'm going to ignore the 4th of July.

Although they do play that Twilight Zone marathon on the SCiFi channel… Shit, that shit's pretty good. Means I won't have to flip through the channels.

Something good'll be on.

 

10 June

Waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Last night I rented 'Cloverfield' off OnDemand. Basically this was 'War of the Worlds' – Spielberg version – with C level acting and a cameraman with Parkinson's syndrome. I really can't believe I made it through the whole film without throwing up, as I'm usually pretty sensitive to motion sickness. The concept itself, which was that the film was supposed to have been a VCR tape 'found' in the area that 'once was Central Park' was pretty decent, so I'd give it a few points for trying. Aside from that, unless you enjoy that cheery nauseous feeling, I'd avoid it.

I must say, at the risk of sounding WAA WAA, the heat is wearing on me. It's a REEeeAAAaalLLLll quality of life remover. Add to that the fact that my air conditioner is broken, and I got troubles Bud.

WAA WAAAAA.

When I got home from work last night, I was flipping between CNN and MSNBC, and everyone was of course talking about Clinton and Obama and whether or not Obama could convince the Hillary vote to jump on board with him. They had the usual bunch of clueless analysts on, who so far have been wrong about everything. They were pontificating on such a simplistic level.

'Clinton could go for Senate majority leader'…

'She could be a Supreme court judge'…

Are these people really that stupid? Harry Reid is Senate majority leader, and he's not giving that up anytime soon.. and judge? Since when has she given any indication she was interested in that? These people make me sick they really do. Anyway, they began talking about McCain, and Obama, and I started to think about Bush. How much he's just thrown this country into ruin, and I started to get infuriated. No fucking WAY I would in a million years vote for McCain, and if any dumb asshole has shit for brains enough to vote for him they should be taken out back somewhere and shot in the fucking head.

Presently I don't like Obama, but I'm going to make an attempt to like him… REAL quick. The reason I resented the Obama media push so intensely was that I think he's the weaker candidate as far as his chances against McCain are concerned. The media was pushing the weaker candidate, all for the sake of THEIR interests, not the interests of the country, but THEIR interests… I still think Obama has less of a chance against McCain, and that makes me angry, but even still, if the democrats can't win this fall with America literally crashing down around our ears, then I really think a new party is necessary.

 

9 June

Hot enough for ya?

This weekend was oppressive.

Of course the 100 degree heat was probably a major factor, but lately I've felt weighed down. I rented a car on Saturday to try and escape the heat by maybe heading into the mountains. Me and my traveling companion 'the Mudster' (or 'Mlle. Mud' if you rather) set out north, but I was tired. Aside from this general fatigue, there was this persistent heaviness in my chest that went through to my back, like a geriatric hedgehog with a weight problem had collapsed and fallen backwards onto the downwards staircase of my soul. I tried to put on a smile though for the sake of the Mlle. I mean, I'm not some wet blanket. I play ball.

The traffic was steady, if not completely stop and go, but soon we found ourselves on the Pallisades park heading towards Rockland County. Even with the air conditioning on, I could sense the heat trying to get in through the cracks of the windows, and it made me uneasy. We stopped off in my home village of Piermont for a cup of coffee, as I was beginning to get a headache from the lack of caffeine.

My hometown has turned into this total Yuppie haven loaded with bikers dressed up in their spandex finery. To me they look absurd strutting around like candy colored dipshits, carrying their latte in one hand and their bicycle helmets in the other. We got our coffees and headed over to the river –Hudson- and sat down. Again, it just wasn't an enjoyable outdoor experience, the heat was just too much. There was a woman there swimming in the river with her rotweiller. I remember, I swam in it once, when I was a kid. I cut my foot on a broken beer bottle and that was the last time I swam in the Hudson.

After about 5 minutes, we were nearing sun stroke and went back to our car to continue the journey.

We traveled through Nyack, which the Mudster kept pronouncing N-yak instead of the proper pronounciation NIGH –ack.

That was irritating.

Before you get there, you have to travel down River Road in Grandview, which is pretty ritzy - lots of elaborate homes surrounded by hedges. Actually, this hedge thing is pretty recent, as I don't remember seeing so many. Apparently a traveling hedge salesman had gone knocking door to door, convincing everyone that the only way to keep away the prying eyes of the riff-raff driving through, was to surround the property with this verdant eye sore. They were too, not lustrous at all, just massive green blocky looking things.

Grand View's most famous inhabitant is Toni Morrison, and I pointed out her mansion as we passed by.

I noticed she had no hedges.

We passed quickly through Nyack, up through to Havestraw.

Havestraw, for those of you not in the know has always been, and will always be a total shit hole. Still, there's something comforting in that. All this gentrification, and 'progress', it's all a pain in my ass. Give me a little decay any day. As we passed I gave her the points of interest…

'Yeah Havestraw's where the DMV is…'

Which she replied, ' Is that supposed to mean anything to me?'

We continued on our way, embroigled in some conversation involving her nieces, and how one is the good egg and the other is the bad. All of this talk made me think of omelletes, and how it's very rare to find a quality omellette nowadays. Usually when I get an omellete, it's gonna be spinach. I'm invariably disappointed though.

Past Havestraw is Bear Mountain, and then passed that is Cold Spring, which is where we were headed.

The whole point of this trip was to get away from the city heat, unfortunately the city heat had followed us up into the mountains. It was stifling. I instinctively started to drive faster to try and outrun it. I was beginning to feel a bit panicky.

As we arrived at our destination, my head was throbbing and my chest-al area felt thrombotic. It was like an oven outside… It was more like a broiler actually. In fact I asked the Mlle. If she had ever used a broiler growing up? She didn't know what it was.

'It's that drawer underneath the oven.. you never used that? Your mother never broiled anything?'

'Like what? What would YOU broil?'
'Chicken legs mostly… We would line up the chicken legs all in a row, in the broiler.. the drawer underneath the oven'

I felt like a chicken leg.

We ate at this place called 'The depot'. Chicken wings, ribs and potato skins. If you're passing through the area, I'd recommend the chicken wings, but not much else. We were sitting outside, and I felt like total shit. This was a bust. Should have just stayed home and turned on the air conditioning.

The soda was flat.

After lunch, we went off to check some of the antique shops in the town. Cold Spring is known for their antiques, and bric a brac. As we browsed, I started to feel a little better. All this garbage everywhere, it comforted me. This is where all the clutter that makes up roughly 76% pf your memories goes to die. While I was there, I found this weird comic book called 'Plop'. It was put out by DC, and was obviously an attempt to compete with Mad Magazine. In fact a bunch of artists from Mad, like Wallace Wood and Sergio Aragones had contributed to it. There were a bunch of issues in the box, and I bought 4 for 5 bucks each.

We walked through a couple of other shops, but there wasn't much there. Mudster liked a couple of these 70s looking chairs with Lucite backing, but they were too expensive, so we headed back. I only had the car for 6 hours, and we'd already used up half that time. On the way home we stopped off in Havestraw at this place called 'Hoyers'. It's a soft-serve ice cream place, one that's been there for years. I'd never actually ever stopped there before, as it used to be really sketchy and run-down. I was always a chicken-shit when it came to stuff like that.

I don't care about much anymore, so I stopped.

The ice-cream was decent - custard-ly delicious.

Before we headed back to the city, I made sure to pass by my house and my highschool. I figured she should take a gander at all the notable venues of massive traumatization. After all that, we made it into the city about 25 minutes in advance of the deadline. I was exhausted and crashed for the next few hours in a poisonous sleep. When we awoke, I flipped around the TV and I discovered that 'My Dinner With Andre' was going to be on later that night.

'My Dinner With Andre' is my favorite movie of all time. For years I've tried to get every girl I've ever been with to watch this movie. Not ONE has ever made it through without falling asleep. This movie is like the glass slipper of movies. If I could ever find someone to sit through it without passing out, well maybe she'd be the one.

Mudster made it through to the end. I looked over a couple of times and caught her wearing a bit of a drowsy expression, but she hung in there. Of course, she knew the history behind it, so she could have been making a point to be the first one to sit through it. She said she liked it though.

Man, that's a great fucking movie… Everytime I see it I get chills. The whole last dialogue between Wally and Andre….

ANDRE: Of course there's a problem, because the closer you come, I think, to another human being, the more completely mysterious and unreachable that person becomes. I mean, you know, you have to reach out and you have to go back and forth with them, and you have to relate, and yet you're relating to a ghost or something. I don't know, because we're ghosts, we're phantoms. Who are we? And that's to face--to confront the fact that you're completely alone, and to accept that you're alone is to accept death.

WALLY: You mean, because somehow when you are alone, you're alone with death, I mean, nothing's obstructing your view of it, or something like that.

ANDRE: Right. [Street noise: siren.]

WALLY: You know, if I understood it correctly, I think Heidegger said that if you were to experience your own being to the full you'd be experiencing the decay of that being toward death as a part of your experience.

ANDRE: You know, in the sexual act there's that moment of complete forgetting, which is so incredible. Then in the next moment you start to think about things: work on the play, what you've got to do tomorrow. I don't know if this is true of you, but I think it must be quite common. The world comes in quite fast. Now that again may be because we're afraid to stay in that place of forgetting, because that again is close to death. Like people who are afraid to go to sleep. In other words: you interrelate and you don't know what the next moment will bring, and to not know what the next moment will bring brings you closer to a perception of death!

You see, that's why I think that people have affairs. Well, I mean, you know, in the theater, if you get good reviews, you feel for a moment that you've got your hands on something. You know what I mean? I mean it's a good feeling. But then that feeling goes quite quickly. And once again you don't know quite what you should do next. What'll happen? Well, have an affair and up to a certain point you can really feel that you're on firm ground. You know, there's a sexual conquest to be made, there are different questions: does she enjoy the ears being nibbled, how intensely can you talk about Schopenhauer in some elegant French restaurant. Whatever nonsense it is. It's all, I think, to give you the semblance that there's firm earth.

Well, have a real relationship with a person that goes on for years, that's completely unpredictable. Then you've cut off all your ties to the land and you're sailing into the unknown, into uncharted seas. I mean, you know, people hold on to these images: father, mother, husband, wife, again for the same reason: 'cause they seem to provide some firm ground. But there's no wife there. What does that mean, a wife? A husband? A son? A baby holds your hands and then suddenly there's this huge man lifting you off the ground, and then he's gone. Where's that son?"

Chills…

 

 

6 June

JANICE!!

 

 

A friend of mine sent this link to me, and it totally brought back a horrifying memory. When I was around this poor kid's age, the same exact thing happened to me. I was at Action Park with my parents, brother and a friend of mine called Kumud - this skinny little Indian kid. Anyway, we decided to go on the 'Alpine Sled'… To this day, if I ever hear the words Alpine, or Sled.. or Alpine Sled, I get the shakes.

Me and Kumud shared the double seat, and when the guy came around to put the harness on us, I was too fat for it to fully lock down. The thing was, I was too embarrassed to let anyone know, so I didn't say anything. What happened next was pretty much the same as what this pathetic kid went through. The only difference was, I wasn't yelling. I was just trying to hold on for dear life….

When the ride finally came to an end, I think I'd aged 10 years.

I never went on another roller coaster ever again.

 

 

3 June

GOBAMA '08

Well Barack has done it... The first black candidate ever to lead his party into the fall. I applaud him, as it is a great honor and he's shown himself to be a worthy adversary. Personally, the first WOMAN candidate would have been perhaps and even more symbolic and greater achievement, still there's got to be a loser and today it's Hillary.

I must admit these last couple of weeks have been feeble and anti - climactic. The culmination of which was Bill calling the guy who wrote the Vanity Fair piece on him a 'scumbag' on the Huffington post... a bit unseemly. I mean, I'm sure the guy IS a total scumbag, but Bill is a former PRESIDENT for godsakes. Was just kind of sad.

Anyway, congratulations to all you Obama supporters out there, he ran a great campaign, It was heartily bolstered by a press that slathered all over him since Iowa, nonetheless, it was still well run.

As for me, I'll take a few months off and not think about it. In the fall I'll vote for Obama, as McCain is just not even a possibility. It's not an enthusiastic vote, as I still don't like Obama at all, but I am a Democrat first and foremost - even if I find the party to be only marginally less distasteful than the Republicans.

All these congratulations aside - and don't get me wrong you Obamaphiles deserve a celebration, as it's been a long hard-fought campaign - I would like to add some thoughts that came to me recently about what exactly doesn't sit right with me as far as Obama is concerned, and what he might try and work on, when it will come time to target those out there that might be slightly more right of center than myself...

I was ruminating on it all, and I think I really started to turn off Obama on how he handled the initial Wright scandal. Instead of distancing himself, or resigning – as he eventually would do anyway – he decided to give a speech, to lecture us all on race relations in America. I read the speech, and although it is a decent summation/history lesson of what happened in America vis a vis slavery, and segregation, it really doesn't get to the heart of anything. It felt out of touch to me in some basic way. He claims the reason why white people resent black people is solely due to affirmative action. That's just wrong.There can never be just ONE reason for this tension, and to make it soley based on ECONOMICS, just sort of proves where his head is at. Obama is an intellectual, and an elitist, this is not anything I CAN'T get over. However, he's simply not connecting to half of America.

He threw up the race speech as a way of diverting attention from Reverend Wright, who is a total asshole and whom Obama should have immediately eviscerated. In the end he wound up leaving the church, which by the way sounds like a church full of douchebags.

As I've said, I think it would definitely help Obama's chances if he chose Hillary as VP. If he doesn't, it's going to be a major feat converting all of those disenfranchised women over 45, not to mention all the so called 'blue collar democrats' – which is liberal code for poor white trash.

Moreover, I think he needs to adjust his image a bit. It's worked well with his contingent which was about half of the democratic vote. The other half though… Well.. he looks to them how he looks to me, and that ain't too good...and if you think I'M harsh… wait til the general election begins in earnest!!

Obama's saving Grace is John McCain and the resentment everyone feels for Republicans in general, but he needs to firm up. These last losses to Hillary don't leave a particularly pleasant taste in anyone's mouth. Now's the time to really get to work. I don't know if I'll ever like him, but I'll give most anyone the benefit of the doubt, and I am quite intrigued to see how he fares this fall and even moreso how he'd do as President.
So whoopdeedoo for all of you… Go OBAMA 08'…

 

 

2 June

Types

 

Last Friday night, I went to go look for a new t-shirt at the Urban Outfitters in my neighborhood, and I happened to pass the world premier of Sex and the City, which was playing at a theater on the way. I haven't seen a line like that in a long time. Tons of women, all dressed up like Carrie Bradshaw patiently waiting in line, gabbing away, eyes brimming with expectancy.

I gazed upon them with ambivalence.

I've never gone out with one of these types of women. The Upper East side type, the fast talking career gal, the quirky, sharp as a razor cut-up. The girl who -  'looks just as good in that simple black dress as she does in jeans and a tank top'. I mean, perhaps there were a couple of exes in there who 'aspired' to be that, but they weren't… they were too flawed.
Sunday, on the way to Central Park, I got caught up in some Jewish Parade – I think it was Israel's 60th birthday. Again, I was bombarded by another 'type' of girl that I've never been with. The JAP, the observant Jew… the girl who Woody Allen likes to call 'Jewish with a vengeance'. I'm most certainly a Jew – on both sides – and let me tell you, none of those chicks have ever given me the time of day. They all want the guy in the button down shirt and Khakis that makes money. He doesn't even need to be a Jew, in fact I think they prefer the WASP. Just as long as he's completely generic, safe, and well off. Now, don't get me wrong, I've dated Jewish women before, but they weren't that…not by a long shot.

I woke up this morning and had an epiphany. I've never dated a woman that's been a
'type'.

Types..

Every day you see them walking down the street, the couples that fit together like two peas in a pod. You go to Williamsburg, and there they are, two little hipster dildoes, walking arm and arm, chuckling ironically together about something indubitably douchebaggy.

You go uptown, and you see the tan couples, the guys in their polo shirts tucked neatly into their pressed blue jeans. The women with the long hair, parted stylishly, or perhaps pulled back in a ponytail if they're feeling jaunty. They're drinking apple martinis and talking about their share in Bridgehampton.

Types….

Every woman I've ever been with has been completely unique, atypical, flawed, broken, damaged, alienated, apart, separate. Not one could be described as a 'type'.
Well ok, there was ONE girl I went out with that definitely typified the 'hipster douchebag'. She listened to bands like 'The Decemberists' and all her friends were endlessly working on their 25th Master's degree in some lame area like 'Political commitment in 20th century art'. I can tell you, we did not get on very well. In fact, I'd have to say it was by far the most contentious relationship I've ever been in. I swear, there were times I had really violent thoughts towards her. She felt the same way about me as well. Her famous quote to me was, 'I'd rather stab a sharp stick in my eye than to listen to you for one more second'

That's pretty violent.

Why do I attract the mismatched socks, the awkward, those lacking in social skills, the disaffected? Well obviously it's because that's exactly who the hell I am isn't it? Of course, the sad irony is that I hate myself, so why the hell do I wanna be with another ME? The thing is though, I can love a misfit. Misfits can be loveable, and for the most part they're smart and on occasion very sexy – if you're lucky.

I think the majority of people are brought up to be a specific 'type'. In some way, somewhere down the line, they either chose, or were pushed down a path that led them to their eventual style. In my case, it's easy to figure out why I'm such a square peg. Both my parents were complete characters that were unlike any other parents I've ever known. They gave no direction whatsoever, fought like cats and dogs, were clinically neurotic and on occasion psychotic. However, they also imparted a flood of cultural knowledge into my brain that I carry with me to this day.
Still, I'm no type…

I asked Mlle. Mud why she never became a 'type'. She said that when she was still in school, she could never decide which group she wanted to join. As if she found them all alien on some fundamental level. Her parents were very quiet, and painfully shy, so she never developed proper social skills. As she grew up, she was never able to make those connections most people make, and got lost…discarded from the deck of life.
I think this is why a lot of people find it so hard to commit to a relationship. They're searching for their perfect TYPE, and not the perfect PERSON. I'll admit for years I was the same way, which was simply ridiculous, as I'm not even sure the 'type' of girl I was looking for exists. In the end, every relationship I've been a part of has just been the random coupling of two complete characters fumbling about together aimlessly. Two lost souls, two drifters, two mismatched socks, most certainly not two peas in a pod.
I used to have this girl I knew that would always tell me I'd never find anyone worth having because I was a negative creep, a total slob and I hated myself. Until I changed my ways, I'd always be disappointed. Well, to an extent I suppose that's true. I think lately though, I've become to accept myself more, and even forgive myself for past failures.

When I interviewed Harvey Pekar, I asked him if he was ever embarrassed by anything he wrote about, he said, 'Why? It's not like I've done any great crime.. committed murder or anything like that'. That really struck home with me. I'm not a bad person, I mean, just 'cause I've got some strong opinions about some stuff doesn't make me some TOTAL oddball. Just 'cause I don't fit into some 'type'…

This has freed me up… I feel way more able to enjoy connections, and truly feel – dare I say – love? I'd rather be a couple of mismatched socks than a couple of douchebags that's for sure. I also love the friends I have in my life, the fellow misfires. It's funny that it's taken me this long to figure it all out, as it all seems so obvious. Makes me ponder, if I knew then what I know now, would it have made a difference? Could I have made a go of any of my failed relationships? I guess I'll never know, but it hardly matters. The only thing that matters is stringing together the days that don't completely suck.

One by one -  like candy hearts in a candy necklace...

 

 

30 May

Extraction part II

Well, after having my tooth pulled yesterday morning, I can report that although it was not the most pleasant of experiences, it was decidedly not as horrifying as one might imagine...

I was definitely on the nervous side going in, and when the nurse asked me with a grave face, 'Are you ready for this?' It didn't make me feel any better I can tell you.

The doc sat me down in the chair and shot me a couple of times and left the room. This actually was the most painful part of the whole process, as the first shot went directly into that band of muscle that connects the upper and lower jaws. That was a humdinger. He came back after a few minutes, and started to go about his business. I told him, I didn't feel very numb yet, and he said I would, and if I started to feel pain just to let him know.

The extraction starts by separating the tooth from the it's adjoining brother. This is accomplished by using a drill. I hate drills. I especially hate the thin little mean ones that whine in high pitched tones. I totally felt pain as he was working on the 'separation'. Luckily that didn't last too long tough, and it was on to the next phase.

Once the tooth is accessible it needs to be loosened. For this he used an instrument that looked like a blunt scalpel, with which he proceeded to push at the tooth pretty violently. I definitely felt THAT - a big jolt of pain accompanied by a large crack! This pushing phase lasted for a few minutes, then he picked up an instrument that looked like a socket wrench. I could hear more crunching and grunting – that was coming from the doc – and I could taste blood mixed with Novocain. At that point, he mumbled something I couldn't understand so I said, 'Pardon?' he responded..

'You're doing just fine.. just a couple of more seconds' and just as he said it, the tooth was set free.

Apparently he was surprised at the size of thing, as it didn't appear that big on the x-ray. I asked for the tooth and the nurse washed it off. I was annoyed by this, as I wanted all the blood left on, but I didn't want to make a point of it for fear of making myself out to be some sort of freak.

Anyway, that was it, I was sent on my way with nary an ASPIRIN! He said I'd be fine, and if I felt any discomfort to get some Tylenol. He was right actually, I felt a bit achy as the Novocain started to wear off, but the Tylenol fixed me right up. Right now, I sort of feel like Peggy Lee…

'Is that all there is to pulling teeth?'

All the sturm and drang associated with this procedure. Ok, it's not the most enjoyable experience I'll grant you that, but it was by no stretch the worst thing I've ever been through. In point of fact, in some way, I kind of enjoyed it. Maybe I'm so bored, any new experience to me is enjoyable on some level. Anyway, rest assured anyone out there that needs to have a tooth pulled…

'It's no big deal!!'

By the way, I will have pictures up soon of the tooth… It's really a remarkable looking thing…

On a completely unassociated subject, TWO of my favorite artists of all time have died within a span of a week. Sydney Pollack and Harvey Korman.

Sydney, with his tremendously soulful acting and fantastic films like '3 Days of the Condor' and 'Jeremiah Johnson' to me has a place in the cinematic firmament as one of the all-time greats. Personally, I think he was an even better actor then a director. His presence was so real, and powerful. You can see in Tootsie, he blew the great Dustin Hoffman away, he was by far the best part of that movie.

I actually met Sydney Pollack once. I was walking home from work, and I saw him on the street. I came up to him, gushing about how much I loved his work, and he was gracious and kind. He asked me if I was an actor, and I said no… I always regretted that.

Harvey Korman to me, was by far the funniest part of anything he was ever in. That holds true for the Carol Burnett Show, Blazing Saddle, History of the World.. ANYTHING he was in, he would make you laugh the hardest. His comic timing, and overall silliness was incomparable. I remember watching those Carol Burnett shows as a kid, and in some of the skits, you could see them all cracking up. It seemed so genuine – unlike the smarmy 'hey look at us we're so funny' bullshit on SNL with Horation Sanz and Jimmy Fallon.

They were great artists… Rest in peace my friends…

 

 

28 May

Batteries are running out...

The other day I was thinking about that movie 'My Giant' with Billy Crystal. It truly b

oggles the mind as to how that piece of excrescence got green-lit. In fact, I'd probably have to say that it's the WORST movie ever inflicted upon audiences in the whole history of the cinematic arts. Billy Crystal has made many a stinkburger come to think of it. 'Mr. Saturday Night' might actually be in the top ten worst films of all time. Crystal's got two in the top ten!! God, what a pretentious pile of self-indulgent shit 'Mr. Saturday Night' was. I actually remember going to see it in the movie theater. At the time, Crystal was a top-tier star. That movie knocked him from his perch. He actually never recovered from it – of course making 'My Giant' probably didn't help either.

I'm tired, and have been depressed lately. I usually get depressed around this time of year. I call it my early summer malaise. I go and go all year, and it's at around this point that I just start to collapse. The thing is I never get a chance to re-charge my batteries. Last year I had family responsibilities to attend to which prevented me from taking any time for myself. As per usual, I'll be taking July off for my vacation this year. I have no plans. My mother's birthday lands right in the middle of the month, so I'll be having to work around that. I hear a lot of people are taking 'stay-cations' this year due to the outrageous gas prices... yet another horribly cutesy phrase people have come up with.. We are truly in the era of the horribly cutesy phrases.. might as well call it a gay-cation...

I have some friends at work that are suggesting I fly to some Caribbean Island, and get a tan. I think they're seriously concerned about my aggressively pale appearance. Still, am I going to spend a grand to go the beach? If I wanted to do that, I'd just go to the Jersey shore for decidedly less money.

I'm not crazy about the beach…

There's something about the ocean which insists upon itself. All that force, and macho display… Ok, I get it you're powerful, but must you show off so? Tell the truth, I never really feel 'right' at the beach. First off, I always feel like I'm getting skin cancer – no matter how much SPF -300 I slather on. Actually, I don't burn as improbable as it seems. I tan. Still, it takes effort. I usually have to stay out in the sun for a few days to get a nice golden hue – hence the sensation that I'm cancer-izing my epidermis.

Aside from the skin thing, the people that are 'beachers' creep me out. They all talk in loud voices, and upset my delicate sensibilities. Plus, the half naked bodies of women strewn about fill me with the anger of never being able to fuck any of them. I think that's the greatest anger there is.

Eh… I'll probably wind up staying around the city this year. Laying out on the great lawn of Central Park in my jeans, watching the Yoga couple bend each other into oblivion...

 

 

27 May

Extraction

 

 

22 May

Porno Memories

The other day, I was going through my Video Cassettes, and came across some old porn of mine from the early 90s. It got me all reflective and shit, thinking about youthful days gone by, procuring pornography with my merry band of idiots. Back in those quaint days pre-internet, one would actually have to enter into some mighty dangerous terrain in order to satiate one's sexual perversions. I remember those 'porn runs' all too well. Five or six horny nerds stuffed into a parent's car, driving down the Henry Hudson Parkway with high expectations, evading the homeless windex washers, driving all teen jittery erratic and eventually stopping across from some sleazy sex shop in a pre-Disney Times square.
Once parked, one unlucky fellow was chosen to go make the purchase. This was a lot of pressure, not only because it was a really sketchy area filled with shifty looking men in overcoats, and intimidating thugs, but because the responsibility of choosing something good was placed on your shoulders. After all, these tapes were expensive, and none of us had any money, so a lousy selection would incur the wrath of the entire geek posse.
I had a friend that used to say,' The first rule of porn is that all porn sucks'. I think that's pretty true. I mean, it's just very unusual to watch something that would really rev your engines – especially back in the late 80s and early 90s. Still, we would make our journey, pool our resources, and buy us some porno.

Stepping into one of these sex shoppes was much like diving into an icy cold ocean head first. You held your breath, adrenaline leaking out of your ears, harsh fluorescent lighting exposing your every move and made your way through the aisles avoiding eye contact with all the perverts. Usually you had some suggestions from the troop…

'Christy Canyon!!'

'No… Amber Lynn'

All you knew was time was of the essence.

First off, the longer you stayed in the store, the higher the possibility was of you getting murdered. I could just hear the police explain it all to my parents… Well.. the incident happened at Al's Porno Emporium… We found him stabbed to death with a sharpened dildo.. He was still clutching a copy of Buttman's Big Tit Adventure'

Secondly, you didn't wanna leave your friends out there too long fending off the hoardes of homeless people. So, as quickly as possible you made your choices paid an exorbitant amount to the guy behind the counter - who was invariably Arabic or Russian – and sprinted out of there clinging to your sack of porn for dear life.

The drive back would be high spirited, laughing about the sheer seediness of it all. When we would get to a home conveniently free of parents, we would all crowd around the VCR to review or bounty. Invariably my friend's rule of porn was dead on…

'all porn sucks'

Some would be worse than others, and in those instances we would take pleasure in ranking on the sorry excuse who'd made the selection. The laughs we'd have over all this would ALMOST make it worthwhile.

As soon as we'd watched them all, the haggling would begin as to who'd get first dibs to jerk off to them…

'Well I went in and got it!!'

'Yeah.. but I put the most money in!!'

Eventually all of it would be worked out, and we'd say our goodbyes and finish the rest of the night in privacy to bop our baloneys. It's incredible to think what we put ourselves through just for a little sexual release. Of course it didn't help that we were all socially repressed misfits. I suppose risking our lives to buy a porno tape in Times Square was far less risky than actually asking a girl out…

Those days are gone forever, and nowadays I much prefer actual fucking…

but I still watch porn…

…and it still sucks.

 

 

21 May

V-Spot

Was watching Obama's speech last night, and had to laugh a bit. There was a part where he was lecturing parents about turning off the TV, and giving their kids a book. I thought to myself… 'He does realize this is fucking America right?'. Seriously, if it was any other year, against any other candidate, it would be open and shut – Obama would not have a snowball's chance in hell. Still, against McCain… I dunno. He might just eek it out.

McCain is a nightmare. If anyone buys into his crap, then they've got shit for brains. He'd better cool it with the 'appeasing' crap, and all this militaristic rhetoric. Earth to gimpy, 'No one wants to continue this bullshit war, and we certainly don't want to start another one!!'.. I read recently that insiders say that before he leaves office, Bush is gonna attack Iran. How could that even happen really? What if Obama wins? Then he'd be left to say, 'uh.. whoops? .. sorry that wasn't me'.. This country is a mess..

I love Hill, and she really battled back in the end, but she made a bunch of critical mistakes early on, and she's now lost. Do I believe she's the better candidate? Yes. Do I believe we are more vulnerable for a loss in November with Obama? Yes. Still, what can we do at this point? We're stuck with him. Again, again, again, we are LUCKY to have McCain as a foe. All we need to do is portray him as another Bob Dole, and I think we have him…

Another tip I'd give Obama – use your wife sparingly. She just gives off this totally condescending vibe, that coupled with his cool, bourgeois, elitist stance is really not a good combination as far as winning the swing states over. Personally, I think the pros outweigh the cons as far as making Clinton his running mate. I mean, HELLO, she's won HALF the votes… If you haven't picked it up yet, half the democrats want HER. I think the only way you can APPEASE – to use the republicans favorite word – her followers, is to put her on the bill…

Now's the time to unclench the rectums and start really fighting for the presidency, because it isn't gonna be a cake-walk…

Give her the Veep spot and lets move on.

 

 

20 May

Racin' in the streets

God.. What a bummer about Ted Kennedy. I really feel down about it. I was pissed about him coming out for Obama, and now I feel guilty about it. Without him, there's gonna be a big hole right in the heart of the Democratic party. Plus, the repbublicans are gonna be disenfranchised in a state of enemy. Hope he sticks around as long as possible…

Last night I watched 'Brief Encounter' on TCM.. I had attempted to watch it a few weeks ago, but could only get 20 minutes into it before becoming completely irritated. Well, this time I forced myself to sit through the whole thing, and found myself no less irritated.

The whole plot is about two married Britons that fall in love whilst on their commute, waiting for their train back home. The woman is married to a kind and warm man – if a bit caught up in the mundane. Still, she is instantly attracted to this doctor, and after a mere few weeks of clandestine meetings, they declare their eternal love for each other. This film hits a nerve with me, as it really hits on themes I've discussed in my blogs many times. Such as, can you ever really know your significant other? How do they really feel about you? Where do they go when you're not around? Who do they see? Moreover, on the politics of love, which is better – instant attraction? Or a slow growing fungus? I've always maintained that instant is forever, and fungus dies. This film doesn't really make a definite decision on these matters, as she and the doctor end their tryst and go back to their lives.

I think more than the irritating plot, I was especially aggravated by the actress Celia Johnson. Her grating demeanor, her annoying face.. everything about her. I guess I'm not a Noel Coward fan either, as I found the dialogue and delivery oppressive in it's insistence upon itself.

I've got a question about today's elections… What if Clinton wins both? I heard she's only down by a couple of points in Oregon. Is it of no consequence that she continues to win? I heard Michele Bernard state on Chris Matthews last night that if Clinton was given the nomination, there would be race riots in the streets… Is this the reason why Superdelegates are breaking towards Obama? If these are the types of considerations being made as far as choosing the nominee, then I have to say I'm really disappointed. I thought the main concern was to choose the best possible candidate, not kow-tow to the will of any specific group.

 

19 May

Shuno

I rented Juno off movies onDemand. It was absolutely no surprise whatsoever. I actually had to make it through in two attempts. The first try was last night, where I barely made it through 15 minutes before I felt an aneurysm coming on. The second attempt was this afternoon. I was able to make it through by a lot of fast forwarding.

First off, the main character was about as charming as a scrotum clamp. Ellen Page is quite possibly the most irritating cinematic presence since Chloe Webb's portrayal of Nancy Spungen in Sid and Nancy, the only difference being Nancy was supposed to be irritating.

Secondly the guy that plays her boyfriend, I guess he was in Superbad? Was he supposed to be a geek, cool, geek-cool? I mean what was he trying to portray?

The only character which I actually identified with on any level was of course the 'bad guy'...Jason Batemen. He was the representation of the GenEx slacker who never wanted to grow up, get a job and face reality. In this movie he's demonized for not wanting to have the kid, and developing a crush on Juno who is always at his house flirting with him.

Eh.. grating, irritating, typical, of no surprise.

It's hard not to conflate this movie and it's fans with the whole Obama campaign, but I'm going to try. For my own peace of mind, I'm blocking it all out. I will vote for Obama, and I will support his campaign with blinders on, fingers in ears and me yelling 'MAMAMmaamablaaablaablaaaaHHH' so I can't hear any new splashes in the zeitgeist, because I'm not interested anymore...

Think of me as the old man who won't give you your ball back.

On a more surprising note, I saw 'Sweeney Todd' and was impressed with Depp, Bonham Carter and the direction.. The only thing was, the story and the music were putrid. For years I'd heard of this Sweeney Todd, and was always turned off by it innately. I'd always thought that it was the Angela Lansbury connection, but no, it turns out that it totally blows. I can't remember one fucking single tune from the whole show.

As good as 'the music man' is, that's how AWFUL 'Sweeney Todd' is. It's too bad too, because it turns out that Johnny Depp has a pretty fucking kick ass voice, and Helena Bonham Carter was no slouch either. If they'd been given a better vehicle, like let's say…. Pirates of Penzance? Or maybe… My Fair Lady? It could have been really interesting. Well, one more reason to hate Johnny Depp, looks, coolness, AND he can sing.

So, Obama seems to be getting a bit touchy, proclaiming his wife is off limits! That people best be stepping off. I guess it was ok to lambaste Bill for backing up his wife, but Michelle's completely untouchable. Well alright, as long as the rules are defined. I read somewhere recently, that the more Obama's personality seems to be emerging, the more cringingly similar it is to George W's. The obstinacy, the creepy religious-ness… He's the thinking man's George Bush…

Fingers in ears…blinders…holding my nose…deep breath.

 

 

16 May

Cool Wand

A couple of weeks ago, I broke my lower left wisdom tooth. I went to the dentist, and he ground it down a bit, and filled it, and sent me on my way. Last night while eating some ice cream, I bit down and heard crunch. More of that tooth broke away. As the tooth has been filled, I'm not too worried about exposed nerves for the immediate future, but I suppose I need to go back in soon to get this dealt with. The thing is, I have a 'scaling' scheduled for this coming Wednesday, and I'm getting serious dental fatigue.

To tell the truth, I think this past Tuesday's initial cleaning may have weakened my already weakened tooth, causing it to splinter further into my ice cream. This is all depressing, and a major pain in my rectum. I think I'm going to ignore it all 'til Monday. I've had a long week.

Yesterday, I was reading this great article in Radar by Robert Lanham about the new generation called 'the millenials'. It was so dead on in the description of them as a general entity - their attitudes; ideals ;sense of entitlement etc.. It also illustrated the sharp contrast between their generation and Generation X (my generation). The author really nailed it perfectly and I think it's a MUST read for any GenXer. It really maps out the road to our current state of complete nowhere. I can't really do his article justice by merely talking about, you really need to read it…

I love this little bit at the end:

"Still, it's never been sexy to be a Gen Xer. And that's the problem. Maybe we're responsible for the Spin Doctors, but if you cut through the bullshit, you'll see that we're not merely sexy. We're fucking hot: We were the first bloggers. We created rap music. Silicon Valley. McSweeney's. Indie rock.

And we are the Internet generation. We founded Google. Wikipedia. DailyKos. Gawker. Meet-Up. MySpace. Ebay. YouTube.

We're not slackers. We are Tiger Woods, Snoop Dogg, Parker Posey, Tina Fey, Johnny Depp, Michael Jordan, Dr. Dre and Lance Armstrong, to name a few.

You've earned your retirement, boomers. So rest assured that your babies are in good hands as you go. As a member of the nowhere generation, now come of age, I'm proud to announce that our time has arrived. We may not be the next Greatest Generation, but we're pretty good at calling bullshit..."

Reading this article gave me a bit of a turbo boost in the sense that it's not only me that has been thinking these thoughts on how my Generation has been systematically 'aced out' by both the Baby Boomers and their vile spawn 'the millenials'. These kids are really too much… Self-serving, commercial, anti-cutural-istic whores. I'm glad someone finally has put it all into a coherent diatribe!

 

 

15 May

(Late Edition Catch-22)

When I saw Iron Man, I saw the trailer for the new Adam Sandler movie – 'You don't mess with the Zohan', and I immediately thought, this total douchebag fucking stole the character from 'The Big Lebowski'

I can't begin to express how much I loathe Adam Sandler. This fuck-twat has got to be the luckiest scrotum that ever lived. I remember back when he was on that MTV show 'Remote Control' he and Colin Quinn were these totally Frat boy, douchenozzle, completely unfunny muldoons. Yet unbelievably he's ridden this seemingly endless wave of mega-success. To me this is proof that most people fucking suck.

Adam Sandler is all the proof I need.

Jesus.. Has anyone seen that pile of shit 'Big Daddy'? I defy anyone with an IQ over 40 to watch that excrescence for more than 15 minutes before having an aneurysm… In fact, I would have to say that Adam Sandler goes down in history for having the worst cinematic body of work of all time. Hands down.

Anger Management? Mr. Deeds? Spanglish? I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry?...

I mean, seriously.. This guy should be put on trial for crimes against humanity. What can we do? Someone start up a petition, I'll sign it.

So Edwards endorsed Obama… That disappoints me, even if I'm not surprised. I was an Edwards guy from the start, but he got sidelined from the get-go. In the end, Hill's not gonna get the nomination, no matter what, so this Edwards endorsement doesn't really mean much. Still, it does sting a bit.  This whole campaign has been a major drag. Plays were fumbled, miscalculations ran amok, it's just been a mess. In the end, I don't think the strongest candidate will represent the democratic party, and that's the biggest shame. The only hope – as I've said many times – is McCain. However, I've seen in recent weeks he's been changing his image – distancing himself from Bush on major issues like climate change, and domestic policy. If he can present himself as someone different than Bush, as more of the old 'Maverick' he used to be, then I just don't know…

Obama needs to do one of 2 things. Either pick Hill as his VP, or pick someone like Jim Webb, who's a war hero… If he picks that bore Claire McCaskill because she's a woman, it would be a huge mistake. McCaskill is no fucking Hillary, that's for sure. In a sense, picking McCaskill would be like spitting in the face of all the women that voted for Hillary… 'Here, take her, she's a woman too…' as if gender was all there was to it.

Personally, I think Jim Webb would be the guy to pick.

 

 

14 May

Big ole fat titties...

The area where I take my noon-time repast outside has become overrun by construction workers. For years, I've heard the stories of these uncouth beasts and their salacious cat-calls, and crude remarks, yet I'd never actually seen it up close. Well, I can tell you, this is no myth – these guys DO exist! It's kind of funny to watch, as the area I work is very international, and a lot of diplomats with impeccable manners and reserve float about the streets. So in the midst if this atmosphere to hear little epigrams like..

'AIII MAMI MAMI, COME SIT ON MY CHIMI CHURRO!!'

Well, it is kind of entertaining in a horrible way I guess…

Still, it's a bit nauseating to watch that spectacle. These guys are such goofballs, you can't really take them seriously, yet what they're saying sometimes is pretty raunchy.

'HEY BABY YOU GOT THEM BIG OLD FAT TITTIES… COME HERE AND SIT ON MY FACE YOU CHUNKY MONKEY!!'

And this was a priest they were talking about..

I was watching 2001: a Space Oddyssey last night and it never fails to amaze me. It is a complete masterpiece. Still, the last bit always confuses me. Ok, the Aliens sent out the signal to get people to come, but what was with the whole light show, and what was the deal with the baby at the end?

I'm putting a call out to Kopperman, one of our stalwart reporters, and resident Arthur C Clarke expert… Please enlighten us all.. what the fuck does the end of 2001 mean??

In the end, it's such a beautiful movie, it could be about anything really, I could just sit and watch all the pretty colors…

So Hillary won W. Virginia by ridiculous margins. Well good for her. AT least she's gonna finish this race off with flair. It was funny to watch that foaming at the mouth Bulldog Chris Matthews and gas bag Obama shill Keith Olbermann get so indignant at her speech, where she talked about the pundits 'counting her out'. I love the fact that she never went on Matthews' 'college tour'… She's supposed to help him out with ratings after the guy's been sucking on Obama's dick from day one? I like my gal, she's spunky.

If Obama had any sense whatsoever, he'd offer her the VP slot. If he doesn't, he's just cutting off his schnoz to spite his punim.

 

 

 

13 May

Scaling..

I went in for a teeth cleaning this afternoon. I think the last one I had was pre-9/11. It felt like she rushed the job, just a few scrapes, and then she was done. She said I'd need to come back for a 'scaling' which is a deep cleaning, where they really get below the gums and shit. Personally I like the scraping. In fact, I have to suppress pleasure sounds while I'm in the chair. It's literally like that scene out of 'Little Shop of Horrors'…

'It's your professionalism I respect!!'

Anyway, I made the appointment for next week. Such a pain in the ass. Why can't things ever be done in one shot? On top of everything else, I find out I have to pay a deductible… unrewarding.

Last night I was watching Northern Exposure on DVD. I was struck by the horrible 90s fashions. There was lots of pleated trousers, and heavy thick denim, worn in high waisted styles. Maggie always looked like she had a 'gunt', which is odd because it looked like she had a pretty decent body. God, I don't think there was ever an era more devoid of style than the 90s. The 80s were horrible too, but at least it was a definable style, the 90s was just anti-style.

I can remember wearing just the smelliest, ill-est fitting drek. Everything was 5 sizes too big and accompanied by an old smelly pair of Doc Martens. God listen to me going on, I sound like Austin from Project Runway. The women were just as bad as the men, wearing these heavy shirts, layered in thick sweaters, and jean jackets.. Jesus, no wonder I never got laid, it was too hard to get to their vaginas.

Does NX hold up you may ask? Well…. It was my favorite show for so long, that it still retains a certain level of affection on my part. It is VERY Of it's time though, which I suppose in a sense is very interesting to watch as it's like a time capsule of my dead youth. Some of the characters tend to grate on me now unfortunately. Maggie namely. She totally represents that 90s woman that was this phony, politically correct, un-sexy, ball busting asshole… Women today are so different. Of course I've probably changed as well.

Definitely the Sopranos tops NX for me now. If they'd only lower the price on Season 6, I'd get the whole set!!

 

 

12 May

Zyrtec Coma

The bulk of the weekend was spent in a Zyrtec induced coma. I broke in and out of consciousness all day, tossing back and forth in my bed like a young man kicking morphine in the late 1800s. At some point I managed to gather enough energy to go see Iron Man which was playing right across the street from my apartment. I bought some raisinettes and propped my feet up and tried to remain awake through the entirety of the movie.

Overall it was a pretty decent flick. I enjoyed the SHIELD reference, and the suit was very well done. Robert Downey Jr. was a great Stark, very physical and he brought to the role something which has been mortally lacking in every other Marvel themed theatrical release – humor! I mean, jesus, they finally got that concept? Marvel comics were FUNNY. Especially Spiderman, he was constantly wise-cracking, and sarcastic. The way Tobey Maguire played him was positively funereal.

I thought Gwynneth Paltrow was lame, but still less lame than Krysten Drunkst, or Jessica 'don't call me latina' Alba, or that horrible Kate Bosworth. Watching those muldoons onscreen really shows the true misogyny of Hollywood. They are written with such afterthought it's ridiculous.

Woefully, I don't think there's ever been ONE truly great Superhero film adaptation. Probably the closest would be the original Superman, but even then Margot Kidder was horrible. Christopher Reeves was perfect though.

I saw the trailer for the 'new' Incredible Hulk movie. To me, it seemed to look exactly like the 'old' Incredible Hulk movie. In otherwords, totally lame. First off, why make TWO movies about the LEAST interesting Marvel character there is?? The Hulk was just some retarded green asshole that smashed things. Secondly, if you are going to make a Hulk origin story, use the REAL origin!!.. Bruce Banner got turned into the hulk by saving a kid from a nuclear test. Ecch.. I hated the Hulk. Totally boring story..

The Avengers should be interesting, that's coming in 2011. So I shall be a true loser in my forties, a total cliché.

You know what I have no interest in seeing? The Indiana Jones movie, and Prince Caspian. Shia Labeouf looks horrible, and the plot looks like a re-tread of the last Indiana Jones story. Prince Caspian never interested me with all it's Christian overtones. Plus, I'm so tired of these 'battle' movies. I think after the LOTR trilogy, we can pretty much retire that concept altogether.

 

9 May

Last night I had the strangest dream...

I've been suffering these past few weeks with the worst bout of allergies I've had in years. Last night, my lungs burning and on the verge of a mental and physical collapse, my brother got me a bottle of Zyrtec. I popped one immediately, and 20 minutes later I started to feel much better. After an hour, I felt cured. Jesus, talk about the miracles of medical science. This stuff feels like Benadryl on steroids. This morning I woke up clear headed, my eyes free of mucous, and able to breathe. I highly recommend this product to any fellow allergy sufferers out there..

Well, I suppose I should acknowledge Hill's loss the other day. At this point, I really don't see the point in her continuing, unless she's waiting for some giant bombshell to drop on Obama's side. Still, unless it comes out that Obama fucks the family dog in the ass, whilst giving his daughter enthusiastic cunnilingus, nothing can prevent his nomination. I'm bummed about it, but what can you do. It's going to be interesting to see who wins the white house in fall. One thing Obama has in his favor is his opponent. I mean, if he can't win against that blumbering, doddering, crypt keeper, that just promises to keep us on the same track we've been on for the past 8 years, then I give up..

I still don't like Obama. I think he's a total, head up his own ass, bourgeois, jack-off, but I'll take him over McCain any day.

The other night I had a strange dream – obviously influenced by the disappointing Super Tuesday results.

I was at Prince's house, and he was having a birthday party for all these inner city kids. He was mincing around acting really effeminately, like Purple Rain level times 20. Anyway, these kids were running all over the place, and Prince came out with these wet, bloated looking hot dogs smothered in mayonnaise and asked the kids to take one. I was looking around the place and noticed this newspaper article on the wall. It was about Al Gore and his presidential loss. I felt depressed. I went over to the flabby hot dogs, picked one up and took a bite. It was salty and wet, and all of a sudden I started to choke, I realized there were long thin bones inside. I picked them out, and attached to one of the bones was the exoskeleton of some strange pre-historic looking manta-ray looking thing. At this point, I realized no one was left in the house besides Prince. He began singing very eerily some song from 'the lamb lies down on broadway' by Genesis and I ran out of the house - I realized it was my parents house! It was raining outside, and I ran out to this area across the street I used to hang out when I was a kid. That's when I saw my parents drive up the hill their house resides on. I could see them through the windshield with concerned expressions on their face, driving slowly because of the rain. I could tell they were looking for me. This is when I start screaming at the top of my lungs, and that's when I woke up.

Who knows what it means.. All I know is it's put me off hot dogs for a while that's for sure..

 

7 May

Heidi and Spence were back on the talk show circuit last week, this time blabbing to Tyra Banks about the truth behind Laura "beef curtains" Conrad's alleged sex tape.

"I know for 100 percent fact it did exist – 1000 percent!!", Spencer sputtered excitedly.

Seriously, the last time I've seen such a display of manic fervor was when Captain Queeg of the Caine Mutiny insisted a duplicate key DID exist to the mess hall!

This is not the REAL story however, no the REAL story is…Why the fuck do I even know who Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are?

Jesus Christ, I've never seen two seconds of The Hills, and yet I am intimately familiar with the hopes and dreams of this clinically brain deficient power couple. Seriously, I'm well aware of the shifted paradigm, and how we're all living in this neo-Charo age, where it seems everyone's famous just for being famous. Still, couldn't we just remove these two noodniks from the equation? You know, vote them off the island, to speak in the parlance of our times.

Perhaps it's all a generational thing.

I look back on the power couples of my childhood with great affection -  Joanie and Chachi; Shields and Yarnell; Donny and Marie. They were all insipid and relatively talent-less to be sure, yet quite charming in their own little way. Heidi and Spence on the other hand are about as warm and cuddly as chemotherapy.

I do have to say there is something somewhat fascinating about their twisted desire for fame at all costs. They kind of remind me of Koko from the movie Fame, only less black.

Tres jolie Koko, tres jolie…

Of course, Koko -played by the tremendous Irene Cara- could sing her ass off, whereas I'll bet if these two muldoons tried to pat their heads and rub their stomachs at the same time, they'd probably blow their assholes out.

 

 

6 May

Forth Froth

Well, it's another one of those 'Super Tuesdays' we love so well, but this one has a bit of extra heft to it – like a dump following one of my special Allbran and dried apricot tartlets. After today, I will fall in line behind the victor and move forward into the dawn.

That is to say - AFTER today.

TODAY on the other hand I will be cheering my gal on, hoping she can bring some magic to the proceedings. You see, I think realistically she needs to win BOTH states today to have a real legitimate shot at the nomination. If she just wins Indiana, but loses N. Carolina, I don't think it'll be enough to sway the Superdelegates. Sure, I think it will probably go on to June, but I just don't see them settling it in the backroom and giving it to Clinton.. unless she wins N. Carolina.

Does she have a shot? Anything's possible. I'll be rooting for her. However, if she doesn't net both, then I think I'll be slowly getting in line behind Barack.. shuffling all the way, but getting in line nonetheless.

These allergies are killing me. Every morning I wake up, my eyes are sealed together with eye mucous. It feels like Krazy glue in there for christsakes. If that wasn't bad enough, my nose keeps spouting forth froth.

Forth froth. Forth froth. Forth froth. Forth froth.

I just invented a tongue twister suckas! That reminds me of when I was in elementary school, I used to love the school store, as I was drawn to school supplies. I hated school, but I adored school supplies. I think that probably says it all… Trapper keepers, huskies, mead spiral notebooks, composition books, eraser mates.. there was just something about the gestalt of it all – something about a fresh start I suppose.

Anyway, they used to sell these folders that had little cartoon representations of tongue twisters on them. Like one would have a little girl selling sea shells down by the sea shore.. another would have a toy boat, etc.. I of course was instantly mesmerized by them because of the cartoons.

Hmm.. I wonder what the cartoon representation of 'forth froth' would be… Perhaps a giant erect cock shooting jizz onto a giant tongue.

GO HILLARY!!! (with two Ls goddamnit!!)

2 May

Brief Encounter

Watched 'Brief Encounter'on TCM last night - meh. For years I've heard about this 'classic', and how it was the pinnacle of all romantic films. It just annoyed me. I'd seen the re-make of it 'Falling in love' with Meryl Streep and Robert DeNiro, and found that to be a complete snoozefest, still I had higher hopes for the original.

To give a brief synopsis, two English folk meet on a train, and keep bumping into each other, they fall in love eventually but they're married.. As I was watching it, I began to get irritated. The woman recounts the story of how they met, describing how she saw the man walk into the bar, and how he had a nice face (Fungus vs flame again) and how she kept bumping into him and how they had lunch, and went to the movies, but it was all 'perfectly innocent'.

Excuse me, but is it perfectly innocent to have lunch with strangers and go to the movies with them if you're married?

This got me to thinking about the secret lives of our significant others.. Just who do they talk to? Where do they go? Who are they seeing? You can never really ever know, unless you're a stalker. I personally would never look in someone's private e-mail, I think that's the worst breach you can possibly make. So, it all comes down to trust and or self-delusion. In the movie, she was happily married to a wonderful man, kind and considerate, with whom she had two children with.. yet she's off gallivanting to the movies with the dashing doctor. Again, this reinforces my theory that if you're not blown away by the person you're with, the relationship is always vulnerable. Is it just 'the movies' or isn't something we all want? To be blown away… There's an interesting quote she says in the film – something like..

' I didn't think this sort of thing happened to ordinary people, and I wasn't prepared for the VIOLENCE of it all'

To tell the truth, I turned it off about half way through. Like I said, it started to irritate me.

I think all my dating life, I was always uneasy with the unpredictability of the human animal. Maybe since my own heart was filled with such secret longings, I could only expect that my significant other's would be the same. While most people just accept this as a fact of life, it would infuriate me. Was it jealousy, narcissism, or immaturity? Who knows. I think this is why I've settled into a dating life, as opposed to getting bogged down in a relationship, with all it's requisite psycho-dramas.

Nowadays, I tend to ruminate over these matters in a detached way. I'm not so emotionally invested in much of anything anymore. Sometimes I feel myself getting a bit passionate – like with this nominating race- and then I start to feel silly about it all when I realize how meaningless all of that shit is.

Life is survival.

All this stuff is just brain-al exercise to keep my mind from atrophying..

Speaking of atrophying brains, my pal Longcipher's brain has been pickled with conspiracy theory for so long now, he seems to finally be cracking up on an hallucinatory bender. I know he believes that the Clintons are involved with the Bushes, and that they're in cahoots to maintain the office in some devil pact, but I don't buy that. Now, I'm into conspiracy myself, but this is one I just don't get behind. Moreover, even if it was true, I don't care.

He asks me to list 10 reasons why I want Clinton, and that I should make em' good, as my writing on politics is completely childish and without any heft. I'm Donny, totally out of my element. Of course this completely discounts that I've been right about everything that's happened down the line when it comes to this process. I predicted from the get-go that there would be an Obama back-lash, and that it would probably come too late, and that in the end the Democrats would lose the election. That hasn't happened yet, but mark my words it will..

So here are my 10 reasons why I want Clinton, completely 'childish' and 'unsophisticated' as they might be.

1. she can win.
2. I want a woman as president.
3. I don't like Obama.
4. I think she can put deals together across party lines that would be beneficial to this country.
5. I think she's brilliant, and not in a 'I can make a few speeches' kind of way.. but seriously brilliant.
6. She's a fighter…I think that's abundantly clear..
7. Bill Clinton
8. I think she's been 'vetted' I think the skeletons are all out there, you know what you're getting with her, the good and the bad.
9. She's the perfect blend of Hamiltonian and Jeffersonian politics.
10. She looks good in a pant suit..

 

 

29 April

The Brown Mist

Was watching 'the mist' onDemand last night and Jesus what a snooze-fest it was. It was based on a novella by Stephen King, so I was a bit intrigued. I mean, usually watching a Stephen King movie is a mixed bag to say the least. Most of his stuff brought to screen is disjointed, convoluted, slow to get to the point, and in general – ultimately unrewarding. This pile of pickled horse puckey was particularly putrid.

The whole premise is an electrical storm hits a town, and a mist shortly follows suit. In the mist are all these horribly annoying prehistoric looking creatures that are killing everything in their path. I mean, it's like there's NO escape from these giant creatures.. YET…   A whole group of people are taking refuge in some flimsy supermarket. Once you step out of the supermarket for one second you're instantly ripped to shreds by a giant shmeggeggy, but INSIDE the supermarket you're ok… Apparently, Army scientists have torn a hole in the dimensions and opened a portal to another world – hence the giant shmegeggys..Of course within this group of people are the obligatory bible thumping doomsday-er, and those that don't believe in the monsters (even though they're presented with first hand evidence), and then the protagonist group, who eventually escape the supermarket, find a car, and drive 'til they run out of gas.. Then comes the grandest of all pointless endings…

The main protagonist kills everyone in the car (including his own son) and then gets out waiting to be squashed by a giant shmegeggy… Of course, just at this precise moment, the mist clears, and the army comes rolling through, they've defeated the monsters.. So the main protagonist is left there just having shot his own son along with the others…

I have no qualms telling you the entire plot and ending to this movie, as you should avoid it at all costs.. Believe me I'm doing you a favor!!

One more week to the big Indiana/North Carolina show down… I make a promise right here.. If Obama wins Indiana, I will accept defeat gracefully. However, if Clinton defeats him and makes it close in North Carolina, all bets are off.. On meet the Press last Sunday, Howard Dean said that somehow Michigan and Florida will get their voices heard.. If this is the case, then Clinton wins. Period.

Personally, I still don't know what the fuck Obama stands for, and have no idea whatsoever why people are enamored with him. I'm completely stumped. I've asked supporters of his to explain themselves, and all they can come up with is 'change'.. He's not one of 'them'… My fucking ass he's not.. He's worse, he's a fucking Carter, a Dinkins.. a fucking Dukakis!!  

Moreover he's got blue lips.. I just can't get behind a man with blue lips.

 

 

23 April

The Popa

I've been really sick.. Still am actually, but I dragged my ass to work anyway. Too many things I needed to attend to. I usually don't get colds, but I definitely got something… To quote Airplane! 'I haven't felt this awful since I saw that Ronald Reagan film!'.. Spent last night watching the primary coverage, my gal did pretty good. Who knows, if she can win Indiana and make it close in North Carolina she may actually have an outside shot at convincing the Superdelegates to nominate her.. I don't really expect it to turn out that way though..

Ugh..

On top of my chest aching, and my struggle to breathe, my neck is killing me… I went to bed bath and beyond and bought 2 air cleaners which seem to be helping out a bit… The only thing is the second one I got turned out to be a de-humidifier, so I had to lug it all the way back gasping for breath and exchange it for an aircleaner.. Luckily the aircleaner was lighter..

Have had absolutely no libido lately due to this cold, so I haven't jerked off in about a week… That's a record for me. Maybe I'll keep it going for the hell of it, just resign myself to total asceticism.. Maybe I'll become a monk.. Speaking of which.. My street was cordoned off over the weekend due to the Pope.. While I was waiting for them to let us cross the street so I could get some Halls mentholyptus from the deli, I witnessed a funny scene take place between this tall effeminate man and a cop.. The large gay-ish guy was there with either his son, or lover, I couldn't tell which..

Gay guy- I need to go home.. right there (pointing daintily up the street)
Cop- move to the sidewalk sir
Gay guy- But I live right there!
Cop- to the sidewalk sir..
Gay guy – (Stamping foot and rolling eyes) – you douchebag!
Cop- to the sidewalk sir..
Gay guy – Fucking POPE!!

Crowd cheers..

Reminded me of that quote from Stardust Memories.. 'what's with all this traffic, is the Pope in town, or some other show business figure?'

Seriously though, I felt there was an inordinate amount of coverage for this former Hitler youth.. I think if you were a Hitler youth, that automatically would prevent you from becoming Pope.. I mean, sure, yeah, they were all Hitler Youths back then.. so? Any association with Hitler no matter what age you were should have some sort of consequence, at least in my opinion.. Still.. We are talking about the Catholic church here, their standards are different than mine..

 

 

17 April

I watched Noah Baumbach's Margot and the Wedding on InDemand the other night. My brother gave it a semi flaccid recommendation citing that it reminded him of Rohmer's moral tales. I didn't really see that all too much. I thought it was basically pretty similar in theme and aesthetic to the Squid and the Whale. Both movies had these annoying seal-like, femmy looking nancy boys with mommy fixations as main characters. Both had domineering mothers who were adventurous, adulterous, strong willed and thoroughly hateful.. Both had sniveling father characters, who were overly intellectual and ineffectual..   Obviously Baumbach was a little fruity pie that wanted to fuck his mother and hated his father for not having the guts to do it properly..   It's funny about Baumbach.. His 90s fare 'kicking and screaming and 'mr. Jealousy' was straight out of the indie playbook.. Lots of clever conversation amongst quirky friends.. Kind of a Woody Allen-lite for the 20 something set.. His recent stuff has been a 180 degree turn in terms of aesthetic and theme.. It must have something to do with his collaborations with Wes Anderson..   Funny, ever since their association, both their work has deteriorated.. They are definitely not two great tastes that taste great together.. On other fronts.. So my big eared, blue lipped, sonorously-voxed, hardest working pedant elitist in show business got caught with his foot up his own ass… Personally, I think it's been the only thing he's said that I've agreed with. People who are bitter about their lives cling to guns and religion… Of course, I'm sure he didn't mean it that way.. In fact, he probably was being pandering and not elitist.. Still, he IS an elitist. Just 'cause he's black doesn't mean he can't be elitist.. I think some of the biggest elitists I've ever known have been black.. To infer that blacks get a pass on elitism seems wrong to me.   I keep hearing Olberman sarcastically opine on how black people have absolutely no advantages at all politically or otherwise in America, that in fact it's the opposite.. How is that the case? Affirmative action anyone? Is or isn't it an advantage? Yes.. when poor white racists folk get bitter about life, the universe and everything, they cling to their bibles, their guns and their resentment of upstarts like Obama..   This is why I don't like Obama.. You see, it's not him personally.. In fact, I actually kind of like him... He made me laugh with that whole 'Annie Oakley and her 6 shooter' bit he did about Hillary.. I thought that was dead on, and I actually think she looked ridiculous talking about her days in the duck blind.. What I don't like about Obama, is that he can't win.. That's it… That's all I don't like about him. He won't win.   In the end, I just don't see all those white people voting for him..   After bush, and all the bullshit that we've been through these past 8 years, I would have hoped the Democrats could have gotten together and made a decision about their nominee way before the whole process even began.. The fact that a polarizing woman and a black guy are our main candidates speaks to the complete ineptitude of the Democratic party.. Longcipher recently relayed to me this quote from Hunter Thompson.. Where he says, in order to fix 'the system' you first have to get rid of the democratic party.. THEN you can get in there and work on the Republicans.. I think this makes sense.. I've lost all hope for this general election.. I'm resigned to the fact that it's gonna be Mcain.. I'm also dubious of the democrats holding on to their senatorial and congressional seats… It's all so unrewarding…

 

11 April

In the John

If I had my life to do all over again, would I do it any differently? If I chose different paths would it make a difference? Is one road better than another, or aren't they all in point of fact basically the same?

These are things I like to think about when I'm in the john.

Well one thing I know is, I just don't think I was born with the wherewithal to be one of those 'house on fire' type A personality types, driven to conquer the world. I just don't think I have that genetic makeup. I come from a long line of intellectual schnooks, failure types…auspicious beginnings. I think unless I lucked out and won the lottery on this 'theoretical second life trip', I'm dubious of any potential riches. So ok, we've established that even if my choices were different, due to my genetic predisposition to shnookery I'd probably still be sitting in this shrinking middle class ballpark.

So what would I do differently? That's the question…

Well, I probably wouldn't be so stressed out and anxious about everything, as I realize now that it's never worth it – at least 99% of the time it isn't/ So, ok.. a more peaceful existence. I'd cut out the jealousy and possessiveness that's plagued me in the past, and learn to love.