24 July
I'm SO there!
I've been on vacation these past weeks, spending most of my time upstate with my parents. It's been great to re-connect with them, and drive around looking for adventures.
You get to a certain age, and you truly understand the meaning of family. To spend time with people that are the most like you, that understand you and accept you for who you are, that's something you need to cherish. Make the memories, as that's all you take away with you in the end.
While I was up there, I saw 'I'm Not There' that Todd Haynes movie about Dylan.
Now, both Hermit and Brant Miles hated it, but I have to say – I dug it!
I mean, it was definitely non-linear and parts of it were a bit oblique, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact it was the non-linear format that I enjoyed the most. I thought the acting was generally top notch, in particular Cate Blanchett who was brilliant. She really got the '66 Dylan to a T. The fact that the movie was filled with Dylan's music added to the experience, and parts of it were genuinely moving. I'm a pretty harsh critic, but this movie won me over.
I recommend it highly.
18 July
There are many things I used to like.
Fish and chips, anal sex, gray's papaya, vodka tonics, rohmer movies, doc martens, Hal Hartley, diesel jeans, welch's grape soda, clark bars, corn fritters, the Atari 2600, woody allen, the beatles, road trips, playing music, central park, the apple 2e, prank phone calls, girls with short hair, paddle boats, high top Reeboks, women on top, reading books, staying up all night…
I don't partake in any of these things anymore.
This leads to the question, 'What do I like now?'
......Frozen margaritas.
Maryanne's downtown on 5th street makes a good one. I usually can finish a large one, followed by a small. Like an old whore at a gang bang.
A tequila drunk numbs your whole body from head to toe, like a shot of novacaine in your soul. Wine goes straight to your head, makes you spinny and more prone to puking. Scotch is lights out, but sometimes you wake up too early in dire need of a hurl. Beer is for fat girls and hipster douchebags. Tequila's the best drunk there is.
Sometimes I like to lie down on the floor.
I enjoy the hard unforgiving nature of it, pressing into my back angrily. I stare up at the ceiling a mile up and don't think about anything in particular. They say in case of fire, you should crawl on the floor to the nearest exit. I'd probably just lie there. I always liked the sound of the words 'mop and glo' and 'murphy's oil soap'.
I wish I was a floor, then I wouldn't mind so much if people walked all over me - it would be my job.
If we're supposed to let sleeping dogs lie, what are we supposed to do with sleeping cats? Are we supposed to wake them up? Rouse them harshly from their delicious slumber? That doesn't seem quite fair. Especially since cats seem to really enjoy their rest - all curled up, paws in front of their little faces. They're so cute they make me wanna vomit. Fuck it, wake em' up. If I'm up, why should they get off living this life too?
I'm thirsty and want a frozen margarita, but it's still too early. I have to wait 'til later to satisfy my thirst.
I'll have to wait 'til later to get numb.
14 July
Man without a plan..
Well, my first week off is in the books - just three more to go.
I spent most of it upstate with my parents, driving around, drinking coffee, and searching for interesting places to dine. So far, we've been to:
Rutt's Hut in Clifton, NJ - famous deep fried hot dogs, as seen on 'A Hot Dog Program' PBS
The Everready Diner in Hyde Park, NY - As seen on Diners, Drive - ins and Dives
White Mana in Hackensack, NJ - As seen on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives
Five Guys - famous for their french fries, twice fried in peanut oil
The best of the bunch was definitely Rutt's Hut. Maybe it's because I'm a big hot dog guy, or perhaps it might have been the exquisitely low-brow ambiance, but I'd give that an a solid 8.5. The worst was White Mana by far. After one bite of their cremated burger, I knew I was in trouble. Instant heartburn. Mine was a cheeseburger, and it was so overcooked, that the cheese liquified. I felt sick for the rest of the time I was up at my parents.
I'm not usually a big eater at all, but my parents are pros. I have to fight to keep up with their herculean appetites. After White Mana, I felt handicapped. It just would not settle down in to the deep recesses of my lower intestine. This made it impossible for me to fully enjoy our continued search for sustenance. The drives we took were fun, even if I felt like I had an Edward G. Robinson sized hunk of concrete in my stomach - that's a 'Double Indemnity' reference by the way.
One big disappointment for me came on our excursion to Hyde Park to the Everready diner. The eating wasn't half bad actually, nice fluffy pancakes, decent coffee, etc.. The thing was, while we were up there, I realized that not very far away was this OTHER diner I'd been to about 10 years prior that was the best I'd ever been to. After we finished at the Eveready, I suggested we continue driving on, to see if this was just a figment of my imagination. Lo and behold, about 20 minutes or so up the road we found it!! The Historic Diner in Annendale, NY. Unfortunately, we were so stuffed we couldn't eat another bite. Still, it was nice to see that it actually did exist, and I hadn't made it up.
Aside from all the gastronomics, I also sat in with my friend's band in Nyack, at some small local bar. While I was there, I realized that I had played this club about 18 years ago, which made me feel a bit ancient. It felt good though, to play. It's funny, all those years of playing and practicing, it all comes back so quickly. Pure muscle memory. It made me want to play again. I would too, if I could find some kind of 'blues night' or something where I could just plug in my bass and play.
Three more weeks left, and I have nothing planned whatsoever. That's ok, I'm a man without a plan. Very existential.
8 July
Beginning of the beginning of the end of the beginning..
I have white pubic hair. Is this the official beginning of the end?
I started off with one abhorrent stray, and now I can see a few more undesirables popping up in the neighborhood. Now I'm wondering how long it will take before my stuff looks like Santa Claus. Still, a lot of women happen to like a touch of distinguished gray in the hair… I'm not sure, does that count for balls too?
I can remember clearly the time I noticed my first gray hair. It was after a particularly turbulent flight to Chicago while on tour. When we landed, I made a b-line to the airport restroom to take a tremendous dump. When I finished, I went to wash my hands, and splash some water on my face when I saw it clear as day. A lone, beautiful, silvery strand glistening elegantly amongst my raven locks. The panic of the flight must've turned it.
I wonder what startled my balls so much that they're turning gray.
Whatever the reason, it's pretty disconcerting. I mean, first my tooth breaks, now my balls are turning grey, what's next? I shudder to think the list of imminent decrepitude that awaits me. I'm shifting into a state of entropy that is progressing geometrically.
My rod still works thank god.
I think that's because I never used it that much. For a guy my age, my number of sexual conquests is pretty low. I think that's served me in good staid. I think when you've fucked too much in your life, it tends to age you prematurely. You get that leathery look, as if your skins been marinated in pussy juice in an old wooden cask for years. My skin is fresh and pliable, smooth and silky like a nice piece of veal. Still… I do see the lines in my face deepening. It's funny how they call them 'laugh lines' I've done precious little laughing in my life – especially these past years. I've got the lines though.
Ahh fuck it, what are you gonna do? You can't fight city hall. Everyone gets old – even YOU you young whippersnappers reading along. Yes, even YOU will get old. The trick is to pretend you're not, so everyone else doesn't catch on.
I've got plans for my old age. I want to write a book, learn how to ride a motorcycle, find the world's greatest breakfast sausage… yes, I've got a plan or two. I'm not gonna let it get me down.
Besides.. I still look fucking good.
7 July
Baby Book
Over the weekend up at my parent's, I was going through a bunch of stuff in the garage, and I came across my 'Baby book'. It was just this kind of scrap book my mother kept for me and my brother. Anyway, I wrote a bunch of stuff in it from the ages of 9-13. It's pretty fascinating to read it - if not more than a bit on the derpressing side. You definitely can see the roots of all my present day insecurities being firmly planted. Johnny Rottenseed aka LIFE, really did his best. I was a pretty precocious if not completely depressed kid. Totally obsessed with doing well in school and MATH especially, which was totally idiotic as I had no ability at it whatsoever - still don't. Of course as my father had his doctorates in both Math and Nuclear Physics, I felt that I had to be good at it too, and only failed miserably time and time again. Kind of the main theme that would weave it's way in and out of my life...
Anyway, here are my entries… I've transcribed them.
-----------------------------------------
Nov. 9 1980 -
I take the bus now. I'm mature. I "play" piano and guitar. I know it's a stretcher, but c'est la vie. I've set my goals high, I swim and go to the Y. I do paper macher, and I enjoy Billy Joel records - I have all of them. I'm in chorus, probe, and special arts. I'm most interested in books, as I own many and enjoy all of them very much. I'm very interested in cartooning I've made up many different characters, it's interesting to come up with their different personalities. I enjoy seeing the environment every now and again. I take long walks. I enjoy playing games. I HATE school. I adore my family and grandparents.
February 7 1981 -
Hello again. Now I REALLY play the piano and guitar. I'm a really good swimmer. I stink at math, but am excellent at reading. I'm in chorus and have a new cartoon character I made up "SUPER KLUTZ". My brother's excellent at the guitar, we have a band called "The Frenchies". I adore my parents and brother and grandparents, and love my stuffed animals - signing off.
March 28 1981 -
Hello again. I'm getting better at math, but I have to be the best! I may be a perfectionist, but that's the way it goes. My average in reading is 94%, my brother plays the guitar but alas, good things don't last, no more Frenchies. I still draw, but I've devoted this part of my life to school. Valentines Day is coming up, but I don't expect any cards. My goal in life is to be the best in school. I've accomplished half of it, but math is everything. I don't swim anymore, because of a rash (which is no beauty to see). I've a lot to be proud of, I'm two tons overweight, everyone hates me at school, and I'm bad at all sports. My report card to put it bluntly wasn't exactly top notch. On the 1st day of school this year, I thought it would be roses, but it turned out to be weeds. When I play the piano, I think of someone who plays exceptionally well and I close the lid. Over the past two weeks, I've found out that my parents aren't going to always cover for me in school (sound familiar huh?) . Our school may close down, but I'm going to a different school next year anyway, so why do I care what happens to this one? It could burn down for all I care. My brother plays guitar exceptionally (and I mean good) well. Folk tunes are his specialty. As I look back on the past, I see that I've grown plump to thin to plump to FAT. We spent another stimulating day at Caldors today. Perhaps we'll top it off with a delicous dinner at the diner. Have to go now - signing off.
April 21 1981 -
Hello again. Easter came and went, but left it's residue of joy and happiness - BORN FREE!!!!. Ahem. My brother is simultaneously writing in his baby book right now, while he's singing "Pulling Mussels From a Shell'. Ah. Now he's picked up his guitar and playing his new song Mr. Magill. The song consists solely of the line "Mr. Magill loved to cause ill" and a lot of pepto bismal is being circulated whilst heairng it. We have a new group now called Take 3. I'm guitar, piano and background vocals. My brother is guitar, lead vocals and our friend Anthony Limadri plays drums. My FAVORITE group is the Beatles. Signing off.
September 27 1982 -
Hi again. I'm in Gifted and Talented this year again. I just got the White Album and am sitting around listening to it. I am just finished with a play called "The Night of the Psychopath". This year I've really devoted my life to school. This year in school, there are a lot of new and very different classes, rules and features. 1. You need a hall pass (the place is gigantic) 2. There are STEPS, more than one floor! 3. We have language class 4. Our gym is huge. I'm around 109 pounds 4 foot 6, 29 inch waist. A lot of people I know smoke pot or cigarettes, and I'm keeping my very distant distance from them. Well here's to you kid.
November 23 1982 -
Hello again. I just tried out for Finnians Rainbow, and they wound up giving the lead to a popular kid even though they all knew I was by far the best, Just because I'm fat. I'm going on Weight Watchers tomorrow, I'm 118 pounds, my goal is 94 pounds. I have no friends except for my brother.
1984 (final entry, month unknown) -
Hi again. 1/2 happily and 1/2 unhappily I have to tell you something… I am a teenager. SO far this term, I haven't received any negative progress reports, so that's good new right? All right, I'll admit I have been a big disappointment but I think I've matured enough to know the severity of not doing well in school. I've had many ups and downs, but I've finally reached that number 13. Here is a list of the things I really like to do -
1. Play guitar
2. Listen to Beatles records
3. Draw
4. receive praise from my parents
6. Write
7 Play piano.
Signing off.
1 July
Sweet Carnage..
Last night on a whim, I decided to rent Rambo - 2008 off of OnDemand. I've never been a particular fan of the initial installments of John Rambo and his adventures - although I did kind of like First Blood as a kid - still, for some reason I had a bug up my ass to watch it. Well, let me tell you something, not only is it the best film of the year hands down, it might be the best film of the decade. Never before have I seen a film with such supremely satisfying carnage. Imagine the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, and extend to to an hour and a half - that's Rambo 2008. Stallone is incredible. To see him at over 60 years of age run around, and engage in such physicality, it's mind boggling. It really is a testament to the wonders of steroids! The plot - such as it is - is pretty basic, but the action... Jesus, SWEET! I have never been so fully sated as far as blood and guts are concerned. The film just whizzes by at an economical 1:45. It just proves the fact that films need not be 2 hours plus - ESPECIALLY ACTION FILMS!!! There's absolutely no point to it. Just get to the point, and lets see some bodies blown apart as quicly as possible! Seriously, go rent this film now, you won't be disappointed I assure you.
Another film I rented recentloy was 10,000 BC. It was decidedly not horrible, yet ultimately unrewarding. The thing was, I wish I was more knowledgable about the stone age, because I kept wondering if there was any accuracy at all going on as far as what actually WAS in 10,00 BC. For instance, did a giant dinosaur like man eating bird exist? 'Cause that would be fucikng cool. The plot was basic Joseph Campbell, Heroes Journey stuff. It was definitely watchable, but I can't give it a full throttle recommendation.
Today's my second day of vacation, and I don't really feel any of the usual malaise which accompanies my month off. I'm just hapy to have the time off. I was really limping towards the finish line these past few weeks. I'm going to relish the re-charging of my batteries, and not think about work at all.
July is a funny month for me. I'm not a fan really, that's why I take it off - I have no respect for it. July steals the summer away and brings fall around much too soon. Moreover, it harbors the 4th which has horrible memories associated with it for me. Memories of waling down to the village fair in my hometown of Piermont with the ridiculous hope of perhaps meeting a girl, and of course spending the night unnoticed as a ghost, only to walk home - uphill no less - with a belly full of zeppole, alone, dejected, rejected and hopelessly fat. Fuck the 4th of July.
Later this afternoon I'm having a secret meeting with longcipher, we have to figure out how wer'e gonna crack this thing wide open and get beneath the surface. Will let you know if we epiphanize.