29 April

*****SPECIAL EDITION*****

An Emergency Under Protest Edition... Helping to Save Ignorant Children from Embarrassing Themselves... Longcipher Instructs by Public Flogging... The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword... The Slaughter Of The Sheep... Fools For Democrats... Pissing On Those Who Refuse To Let Go Of Childhood Belief's... The Dream Should Be Over By Now, You're Too Old For This Kind Of Behavior... Act Your Age... Who Signs Your Pay Check, Anyway???

"Are not dominant parties managed by the ruling classes, that is, the propertied classes, solely for the profit and privilege of the few? They use us millions to help them into power. They tell us, like so many children, that our safety lies in voting for them. They toss us crumbs of concession to make us believe that they are working in our interests which they represent and uphold... We vote? What does that mean? It means that we choose between two bodies of real, though not avowed, autocrats. We choose between Tweedledum and Tweedledee."

Those words were written by Helen Keller many moons ago... A deaf, dumb, and blind girl (who, incidentally, did not play a mean pin ball), had it figured out better than my good friend who authors Catch 22's...

To my good man over at Catch 22's: Stop the Hillary promoting... You're only making a fool of yourself. You are only showing how uneducated you are. It is fact that the uneducated are the ones behind Hillary, and the best you can seem to say about why you like her is because you don't like Obama's blue lips...

So here's a public challenge I throw out to you, Mr. Catch-22's:

List Ten Separate reasons why you are so convinced Hillary Clinton can save the world... Write a column that expresses (in an intelligent fashion) what Hillary Clinton stands for... Don't give us some crap about health care either - she had eight years to do it under Bubba, and didn't get it done.

The fact that you honestly believe she will be good for this country sickens me (and others) to no end... It is childlike and ignorant, and you are only embarrassing yourself... Stop touting politicians and work on your writing. You can do better, and Hillary Clinton wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, so enough with the promoting of Hillary...

Oh, and it doesn't mean you must back Obama, or McCain, either... Grow up and realize that they are all cheats and liars, and take your whole Democrat identity and suffocate it along with the musician you have killed...

The Democrats are losers, they can't get it together, and Hillary Clinton works for Corporate America, the people you claim to hate... So open your eyes, act like the intelligent person you claim to be, and stop embarrassing yourself.

If not for yourself, then do it for your readers... Nobody wants to hear pro-Hillary propaganda anymore.

You want to fight for the working man?

Fight for yourself. Hone your writing. Because if you're going to write about politics, then you need to be more articulate and intelligent than "I don't like him because he's got blue lips... I like Hillary because I liked Bill... Two heads are better than one... Tina Fey likes her so I do too... Girls like it when I say vote for Hillary... I'm hoping to get laid by touting a woman for president..."

$100 says you cannot give TEN INTELLIGENT reasons to vote for Hillary... and a bonus extra $75 if you can name TWENTY Reasons...

Shit, I'LL GIVE YA $1,000 IF YOU STOP TOUTING POLITICIANS ON THIS SITE ALTOGETHER, FOR CHRISTS' SAKE...

Aren't there enough sites on the internet touting Hillary Clinton????!!!!

Enough already... Otherwise, just start admitting you work for Corporate America and that YOU ARE A SHEEP AND NOT A WALRUS.

And here's something else to consider, from one of our greatest minds today, Howard Zinn, from his book, Passionate Declarations;

I suggest you read the following, Mr. Catch-22's... And if you still want to fight for "your girl" (sic) after reading this, then you should probably leave a night light on while you sleep so the boogey man won't come and get you...

"...Thus we have alternating currents of progress and paralysis. Periods of war alternate with periods of peace. There are times of witch-hunts for dissenters and times of apologies for the witch-hunts. We have "conservative" presidents giving way to liberal presidents and back again. The Supreme Court makes decisions one week on behalf of civil liberties and the next week curtails them. No one can get a clear fix on the system that way.

The modern system of the rule of law is something like roulette. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. No one can predict in any one instance whether the little ball will fall into the red or the black, and no one is really responsible. You win, you lose. But as in roulette, in the end you almost always lose. In roulette the results are fixed by the structure of the wheel, the laws of mathematical probability, and the rules of "the house." In society, the rich and strong get what they want by the law of contract, the rules of the market, and the power of the authorities to change the rules or violate them at will.

What is the structure of society's roulette wheel that ensures you will, in the end, lose? It is, first of all, the great disparities in wealth that give a tremendous advantage to those who can buy and sell industries, buy and sell other people's labor and services, buy and sell the means of communication, subsidize the educational system, and buy and sell the political candidates themselves. Second, it is the system of "checks and balances," in which bold new reforms (try free medical care for all or sweeping protections of the environment) can be buried in committee, vetoed by one legislative chamber or by the president, interpreted to death by the Supreme Court, or passed by Congress and unenforced by the president.

In this system, the occasional victories may ease some of the pain of economic injustice. They also reveal the usefulness of protest and pressure, suggest even greater possibilities for the future. And they keep you in the game, giving you the feeling of fairness, preventing you from getting angry and upsetting the wheel. It is a system ingeniously devised for maintaining things as they are, while allowing for limited reform."
- Howard Zinn, Passionate Declarations

Edvard Longcipher will return tomorrow with his regular column and there will be the continuation of his European saga as well... Until then, wise up, grow up, and stop believing in politicians. And if you insist on voting come November, then be sure to TIVO Sesame Street the day that you do so that you don't miss any of your favorite program, you fucking child...

 

 

25 April

Zero If By Land… Where’s The Tooth Fairy When You Need Her… Traveling River Side Blues… Hop Scotch To London… Tales of Inordinary Madness… Never Thought I’d Miss My Bookie… How Much Wood Can A Wood Chuck Chuck????

Hillary Clinton raises $10 million in 24 hours and I can’t scrape together €10 in two days…

Depending on the kindness of strangers is for ignorant church folk and small children, but any rational adult who uses half his brain has no misgivings about the brutality of strangers, especially on foreign soil. The out of towner will always be pissed on, except when on fire, when he shall then be photographed and laughed at, and his ashes will be swept up twenty minutes later by a neon colored street cleaning device…

 It will be as if he never existed, and nobody will give him a second thought; afterall, he came to take our jobs… Good riddance… Adios… Piss off… Die you fucking miserable foreigner piece of shit… Burn Hollywood Burn, an Alan Smithee Film…

Your pal Longcipher still hasn’t made it to London, and believe me when I tell you there are dark moments during the day when I wonder if I’ll ever make it there at all… I write this entry from a borrowed lap top (okay, I stole it from a Moroccan rug salesman who was busy smoking hashish – nobody would believe him anyway; he’s a foreigner, and he’s brown) whilst squatting in an alley way in ______, stealing someone’s WIFI signal above me.

Desperate times, desperate measures, and if I don’t send in a new column to Walrus, well, then… like the man says, “no new blogs, no new clogs…”

††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

“Catch The Blue Train, Places Never Been Before… You Can Find Me Somewhere Down That Crazy River”
- Robbie Robertson

I fled _______ two days ago in the back of a beer truck, and by the time the truck arrived at it’s destination I was so completely blotto I was literally blind drunk from being in the darkness for hours. When the back door rolled up, it was like looking directly into the sun, and I screamed in agony.

The driver, probably frightened, (and rightly so), at the sight of a pasty white drunk screaming man wearing only his jockey shorts (it was hot back there), began to beat me senseless with a tire iron… I fought back valiantly, but, like a game of rock, paper, scissors, sober beats drunk every time…

I was left for dead outside the gates of _______ Bottling Company in the city of ________, and while I lay there on the side walk, in my skivvies, awaiting the kindness of strangers, the only thing that came to pass was internal bleeding… I peeled myself off the pavement that night and immediately broke into a fever, and then promptly broke into a second hand clothing store to cover myself.

The shoes don’t fit, but clown shoes are better than tight shoes, and if people give me strange looks because of my tuxedo shirt/Adidas track pants combo, then too damn bad… At the very least the clown shoes are saddle shoes, and I’m hoping to score some brownie points from my editors back at Walrus upon arrival...

The Mighty Mac coat is a bit warm during the day, but at night it becomes a must, as I have been living on the streets, and the quest for fire becomes like the film without the random anal sex.

I am a hobo, a wanderer, a vagabond, only I do have a destination, despite my outward appearance.

Nobody will give me the time of day or even a smile, and it’s these last two days that have given me a stronger appreciation for the comforts of home and a good pair of walking shoes.

It is also times like these I wonder why anyone would bother to side with Obama or Hillary or McCain – They wouldn’t give a rats ass about you if you were living on the streets in clown shoes, and yet people will claim one of these iditos as their own…

So be it.

Children believe in Santa and the tooth fairy, adult children believe in politicians…

It’s not all so bad being “homeless” in Europe… Here one isn’t considered homeless, actually, we are considered “hippies.” People keep throwing rolled joints at me and bottles of whiskey. I’ll take ‘em, and believe me I do, but if only they know the trouble they were causing…

What they should really throw my way are ripe whores and fresh fruit… I don’t want scurvy, and a good fuck would do wonders on my morale these days… Oh well. Maybe in London…

By the way, if I ever get out of this situation and actually make it to London and then back to NYC, I will make one promise right here and now to whatever higher power there may be:

Next year Jerusalem…

Edvard Longcipher lives the life many of us wish we had the balls to live ourselves but we are cowards and don’t take risks, therefore nothing exciting ever happens to us. With any luck, however,  Hillary will win the Democratic nomination and life will get better… Danny Federici R.I.P.

 

 

21 April

Too Drunk To Fuck… Here Comes The Drought… The Sky Isn’t Falling The Earth Is Rising… How To Listen To Your Instincts Whilst Numbing The Pain… London Calling

It rained all day today, and when you’re in (a small, un-named European village) without proper foot wear it can be quite the handicap.

I told that bitch her car would never make it through the flooded area outside of town, but language barriers and hard drugs prevented me from getting through to her. It’s never easy to use hand signals while using a glass crack pipe to smoke cocaine, as you don’t want to drop the pipe. Hand signals become finger signals, and a flooded ditch becomes a fiery lake that is waiting to swallow you up and drag you down into hell where your flesh will be ripped and eaten by gargoyles with razor sharp teeth… Well, you get the idea.

Your pal Longcipher is still on the run in Europe (can’t say where; the IRS may send the dogs), and tomorrow I change locations again. It seems I had a misunderstanding with the Inn Keeper, although I stand by the fact I didn’t know it was his daughter…

She had the ripe ass of the town whore and a bag of coke as big as the bunion on her foot, which resulted in some questionable footwork on her part whilst driving. It had to be her behind the wheel, however, as I was only able to see out of one eye due to my drug stupor.

Fleeing the country in a heated rush of paranoia is not advisable when one is in exodus mode. In my case, I spent my monthly allowance from Walrus Comix the first night I was here on pussy and beer, and I can’t even remember the evening except to say I woke up with a lacerated head and sheets that smelled of urine.

I was wearing one sock and had the word “fistus” scrawled on my torso in what appeared to be dark red lipstick. It was an ominous beginning to my European sojourn, and I should have hightailed it out of the village right then and there. I had to get in touch with the editors at Walrus Comix, as they were my only hope at that point.

It was through the kindness (and mutated genes of) the Inn Keeper’s daughter that I was fortunate enough to use her father’s phone and call Walrus Comix headquarters in NYC.

Walrus Comix: What the hell is going on?! You just took off with our favorite porn dvd and disappear to Europe ranting about the end of the world, and now you say you need us to wire you Money?!

Longcipher: I know, I know, I’m sorry… First of all, that porn dvd is in my apartment back home. At least I think it is. Secondly, I need cash, and this is no joke. If you don’t help me out, I’ll be stranded here in _____ and they’ll throw me in prison by Thursday if this savage Inn Keeper has anything to say about it. I get the feeling he knows the local police a little too well, if you get my drift.

Walrus Comix: Can you get out of there? We can wire you the money if you can get to London – we have contacts there.

Longcipher: London??!! Can’t you just wire the money to ______? I can be there in two days hitch hiking!

Walrus Comix: If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna do this our way, Longcipher… Get yourself to London and contact us. We’ll instruct you from there where you need to go to collect the money and plane tickets.

Longcipher: Plane tickets??!!! I’m not coming back there!! The IRS is after me, some guy named Julian is banging on my door nightly back there, and for the love of Christ – have you been reading my column??!!

Walrus Comix: We’re your only hope. You go to London and call us, and we’ll get you some money and plane tickets. Just get to London, can you do that?

Longcipher: (Pause) I suppose I will find a way… Survival skills have always been a forté of mine.

Walrus Comix: Just lay off the coke, ok? And keep up with your column, or all bets are off.

Longcipher: (Hurriedly) I better go… This may be my only moment to slip out the back door.

Click.

Edvard Longcipher is hopefully on the road to London, and then back to New York where we the editors at Walrus Comix can revoke his passport and keep a watchful eye on his drug intake.

 

 

 

18 April

Dear John, Something Wicked This Way Comes (or, how I learned to beat my xenophobia and flee the country in the nick of time...)

"You must leave now
Take what you need
You think will last
Whatever you wish to keep
You better grab it fast."
- Bob Dylan "It's All Over Now Baby Blue"

"Don't get up gentlemen
I'm only passing through."
- Bob Dylan "Things Have Changed"

"Oh, to be in Oleanna,
That's where I would rather be
Than be bound in Norway
And drag the chains of slavery."
- Folk song

Fellas, ladies, your pal Longcipher has left the building... I flew out of JFK airport last night, and by the time you read this I'll be in (an un-named European country) drinking cheap beer in the back room of a dimly lit bar whilst pulling the visor of my hat over my face like a sleepy Mexican on ludes.

The Canadian flag patch sewed on to the back of my backpack will deter any nasty looks, and when all hell breaks loose over in "the States," don't say I didn't warn you. I did, I tried, and you refused to listen... You chose instead to call my bluff... So be it.

 Now you can get ready for the choppers and fighter jets to circle the sky above your heads like vultures on steroids while the cries of women and children will be heard from a mile away. Yes, the guillotine is about to slide down the chopping block and heads will roll faster than a pair of 4x4 Synchrone Michelin tires.

A drum of oil is over $110 a barrel, and there's no sign of that upward spike slowing down anytime soon. Soup kitchens across the country are turning hungry folk away in droves, and Merrill Lynch announced it is cutting 4,000 jobs and posted a quarterly loss of $2 billion...

I have been predicting this tragic slide into darkness for some time now, and many of you thought I was playing around. When I get that heavyweight belt around my waist, then I'll play around. Until then, don't over cook it. You over cook it, it's no good anymore; it defeats it's own purpose...

The jobless rate is skyrocketing at a rate that hasn't been seen in almost a hundred years, and folks, we are not cut out to handle this hell we are collectively entering. Abandon all hope ye who enter, etc etc.

Will I escape the effects of this cancer in Europe? No. What I will escape is the lock down, the shut down, the closing of the gates. The moat is going to be raised, and anyone on the outside will remain there. Anyone on the inside will be held prisoners in their self made prison - see "My Dinner with Andre" for further explanation.

Just remember, when you're suffering from the Panopticon Blues, you won't be alone; they're watching, at all times, so when you try and get up on the ledge or the bridge to leap off, the choppers hovering above will spray you full of bullets before you have it your way.

 

"I wish I was in Dixie,
Away, Away
In Dixie land I'll make my stand,
To live and die in Dixie"
- Traditional

The Yankees and the Red Sox will continue to duke it out all season, and our fate is resting on a Chinaman, two kids barely out of high school, a south paw born again Christian who ratted out his "best friend," and a man we picked up from Baltimore who earns far more than he should. Folks, I predict (once again) a long, Dry White Season indeed...

A new study says 300,000 US troops returning from Iraq suffer from PTSD and depression - and over half are untreated.

The Pope has arrived to America and is playing baseball stadiums across the East Coast. Catholics are coming out in droves to be blessed by an ex Nazi who wears red shoes. He claims he's embarrassed by the pedophile priests, and he also claims to have a solution for what to do with the 416 children abducted by US "Authorities" on the Polygamist Ranch...

Are you scared yet? Is this the America you thought it was, or is it turning into an unrecognizable Orwell novel before your eyes? Or are you not even paying attention? You're still employed, you're still getting laid, still have enough weed in the freezer, beer in the fridge - what's the problem, right?

Just wait... For you too they will come. When they snatch your children and deny you exit from the country and throw you in a secret prison you'll be begging and crying to be back in your living room with your Flat-Screen TV and Lazy Boy and cold beer and dog named Scooter. You'll wish you'd taken your 'ol pal Longcipher more seriously, and you'll wish you had fled when the timing was right.

Oh well. There's always a walk around the block when you need fresh air. Just be sure to navigate around the tanks and police dressed in riot gear (and that's just the suburbs! Inner city folk are doomed to live in a world that will resemble "Escape From New York," so if you should meet a slick, tanned, unshaven man with long locks wearing an eye-patch named Snake, you'd better do as he says; he may be your only hope).

Me, I'm gonna stick around Europe for a while, and if things get too ugly I'll head East and surrender directly to the Chinese. I hear they may be more lenient to those who turn themselves in, at least so say my moles in Bejing...

I don't mind chain-gang work, so long as it's somewhere warm. I'm Legitimately Bronchial, and the cold air makes me a nasty partner to be chained to. For the sake of the man to my right, it's best to place me somewhere warm. I'm just sayin...

And by the way, should I be wrong about any of my predictions, well then, lucky for you... But remember this 'ol ditty while you enjoy your weekend;

"They came first for the Communists,
And I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
And I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
And I didn't speak up because I wasn't a unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics,
And I didn't speak up because I was Protestant.
Then they came for me,
And by that time no one was left to speak up."
- Martin Niemoeller

Edvard Longcipher is not the kind of man to joke around, unless he is loaded up on crystal meth and slamming shots of moon shine whilst in his den of iniquity known as "Fallout Shelter." Being that Mr. Longcipher has sent us this weekend edition of Under Protest from an IP address in Europe, we are beginning to truly fear for our lives here at Walrus Comix...

 

 

 

14 April

The Chinaman IS the Issue, Dude! (AKA: Donnie, You're Out of Your Element!)

"Love yourself and be awake
Today, tomorrow, always
First establish yourself in the way
Then teach others
And so defeat sorrow
To straighten the crooked
You must first do a harder thing
Straighten yourself
You are your only master
Who else?
Subdue yourself
And discover your master."
- (apapted from the Dhammapada, translated by Thomas Byrom)

"Meditate
Live Purely
Be quiet
Do your work, with mastery
Like the moon
Come out from behind the clouds
Shine."
(from the Dhammapada, translated by Thomas Byrom)

It won't always be this easy, folks. As our newly-minted Pulitzer Prize™ winning man once said, "The Times They Are a Changin'."

For now, we can shine, and shine on we shall for the wailing and moaning coming from east Africa is real, and those chimes you hear are the clanging chimes of doom in China, and all through the West, the chickens are coming home to roost...

The Chinese rang the bell at the Nasdaq opening on Wall Street...

A Communist Country rang the bell at Wall Street...

How is that possible????

Would Cuba ring the bell at Wall Street???

Perhaps they will, one day...

The Chinese own America.

 

Made in China = NAFTA

The Chinese are meticulous bastards, I promise you. If you think 'ol whitey has a penchant for gas lighting, I've got news for ya... It's comin' back in dollops. Ten fold. Yah. Five spaid. One more round,"

And so it goes.

The Chinese are runnin' the show. That's all you need to know.

We won't even discuss Bejing.

Tonight your pal Longcipher is in the clear, because I bet it all against the Yankees last night. I knew Phil "Fuck" Hughes wouldn't pull through over the Dice Man in Bean Town, and that's our ACE I'm betting against... Their turf, their night, plus Big Papi and Manny... I'm goin' with Boston.

Betting against your home team is considered treason to many, especially in these here parts. There is no loyalty in baseball and politics, however. Don't get too cozy with one team or one player or party, etc. You pick the money maker and lay down those greenbacks on the Diamondbacks if need be. Don't worry about the cash, as the Federal Reserve will continue printing plenty of it.

The Chinese are playing in major league baseball and they're building bridges in Antigua. Either way, The Chinaman IS the issue.

Ladies and gents, he was born 35 years ago, and he was buried two days ago -

holding a hunting knife in his hand - He was "ready to go home," his mother said.

It's all in the blink of an eye; One minute you're a multimillionaire bonds trader in Manhattan, the next minute you're trying to obtain a hack license so you can drive a cab in Manhattan.

"What's that? No thanks, I quit that stuff years ago. Well, maybe just a little bit, for 'ol times sake... Just for tonight..."

The old monkeys come creeping back into the scene faster than vultures on a lemur's carcass in the hot sun. There will be no forgiveness or leniency. There will no longer be any fun. This is where we punch in, this is where we eat our lunch, this is where we change into our uniforms, this is where we come to feed the monkey, this is where we come to rub one out, this is where we do all the things we do when we think nobody is looking...

But the cameras are on, and Big Brother is watching, and the cameras were made in China...
Chien-Ming Wang.

Edvard Longcipher's views are his own and are not condoned by the editors at Walrus Comix. He is a loosey-goosey canon who cannot be tamed or crossed. He is surgical with throwing stars and dresses dapper like Sunday. Should you ever run into him, ask him about Weejuns.

 

 

 

 

8 April

Hey Brother Can You Spare $5 Billion? (or, how I learned to stop wondering how Catholics become wealthy politicians and Mormons become inmates in federal prison).

On a remote ranch in West Texas, a breakaway Mormon sect has been running their very own compound. "Authorities" (always a decent, vague word used by the US government) have now "removed" 401 children from that compound, and "scores" of women have also reportedly been "removed" from or left the compound, although their whereabouts are at this time still unknown, as Texas child protection authorities could not immediately be reached for comment.

According to Lisa Block, a spokeswoman for the Department of Public Safety, one person had been arrested at the compound for "interfering with the duties of a public servant," but no one has yet been arrested on charges related to an abuse probe.

Block also ominously added that "an unknown number of men remain on the compound and are not free to leave."

Law enforcement officials raided the compound last week in response to a complaint of abuse by a young woman there. The compound sits in a remote, semi-arid region of west Texas about 120 miles northwest of San Antonio. It is unclear how many people have been living at the compound or who, in fact, is in charge, although the compound itself has been linked to jailed polygamist leader Warren Jeffs and the polygamist Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

In November, the sect's spiritual leader and "prophet," Warren Jeffs, was sentenced in a Utah court to 10 years to life in prison as an accomplice to rape for forcing a 14-year-old girl to marry her 19-year-old first cousin. Jeffs is in jail in Arizona awaiting trial on similar charges for arranged marriages there.

While polygamy is outlawed everywhere in the US, the male followers of such sects typically marry one woman officially and take the others as "spiritual wives." This makes the women single in the eyes of the state, which can entitle them and their children to various welfare benefits.

Rudy Giuliani married his second cousin, Regina Peruggi, who he had known since childhood. Although neither was under age at the time of the marriage, their 14-year old union was annulled by the Roman Catholic Church on the grounds that they had not obtained a "church dispensation for second cousins once removed to marry." Giuliani later said he believed they were third cousins.

Some become mayors and presidential candidates, others become renegade Mormons...

Clinton Campaign Regroups After Shakeup at Top;

Mark Penn, who was Hillary Clinton's chief strategist, resigned his role on Sunday, after apologizing for holding talks with officials from the Colombian government about a bilateral trade treaty with the US that Mrs. Clinton opposes. He met with the Colombians as chief executive of Burson-Marsteller, a global public relations firm. If this is beginning to sound shady to you, don't feel odd: It's not just you, Murray...

"Penn's presence in the campaign has been a public distraction," says Gerry McEntee, president of the American Federation of State, County and Municiapl Employees. "It sends a mixed message on Nafta and the Colombian trade deal, and we're glad to see him go." McEntee went on to call Clinton, who along with her husband made $109 million since 2000, a "fighting champion for working families."

McEntee further stated, "I expressed the fact that all of us in the A.F.L.-C.I.O. were unhappy with Penn because he has many corporate clients and conflicts. And for him to go forward, when Sen. Clinton is opposed to the Colombian trade deal, to put together a program to see that trade deal through, that's not acceptable."

The idea that Penn having "many corporate clients and conflicts" would be a problem to the A.F.L.-C.I.O. is laughable, as there is no other presidential candidate with more corporate ties than Hillary Rodham Clinton. If corporate ties alone are a conflict, how is she still running for president? What about all the major corporations benefiting from Nafta, an agreement made possible under her husband, Bill? Is it impossible to suggest the Clinton's have made a large portion of their amassed wealth from these corporations?

The $109 million is only since the year 2000, and according to official Treasury documents, half of that came from Bill's speaking engagements. So where does the other $54.5 million come from? Or are we not talking about that? Are we just sweeping that figure under the rug?

Speaking of large sums of money seemingly coming from nowhere...

*****More Fun and Lo-Jinx on Wall Street, AKA The Killing Fields*****

Washington Mutual, the nation's largest savings and loan bank, was ready to receive a $5 billion lifeline from the buyout firm TPG and other investors in an effort to "stabilize" it's finances.

Since the sharp downturn in the credit and housing markets last summer, Wall Street giants like Citigroup, Merrill Lynch and UBS have raised tens of billions of dollars, and Lehman Bros has followed suit, and now WAMU.

WAMU has significant exposure in California and Florida, where property values have declined the most. In response, WAMU has cut it's dividend, eliminated several thousand jobs and raised $3.7 billion in a separate preferred stock offering. Still, it's stock price has continued to plummet.

Alan Greenspan has said he believes there is more than a 50% chance the US will fall into a recession, which is marked by sharp falls in orders, strong rises in unemployment and intensive weakening of the economy.

In other news, Porn sales are also down, as people are realizing it's free on sites like youporn.com and redtube.com.

Speaking of which, your pal Longcipher needs to do a little more research on this growing trend, and so it's time to sign off.

Here's to free porn.

Edvard Longcipher can be reached at longcipher@yahoo.com

 

 

 

 

 

4 April

Car Sales Down, Only Salesmen Inspired by the Movie "Rocky" Need Apply: Tighten Up Vol. 52

"Buying a house... Is not the same as buying a house on fire."
- James Dimon, the chairman and chief executive of JP Morgan Chase, when asked about his company's purchase of Bear Stearns

I was standing near an open window in my apartment. I heard somebody "ppsssssstt!!!!" me from outside. I spun around, saw the neighbor with his head sticking out his window. He wanted to talk, this was clear.

I opened my window more, and stuck my head out.

He went on, in a half whisper,

"You speak Italian?"

I nodded.

Before I knew it, he threw me an old, beat-up burlap bag filled with what felt like weights.
He spoke hurriedly in Italian;

"I'll be over there to pick it up next week. Don't look inside the bag!"

He ducked his head inside swiftly and slammed his window and blinds shut.

That was earlier tonight.

I still haven't looked inside that bag, which is sitting inside my tub...

"I don't know nothin' about that... Ohhh... I was in the olive-oil business with his father, but that was a long, long time ago, that's all."
- Frank Pentengeli, after being asked by a Senate Commision, on whether he was ever a member of a crime family headed by Michael Corleone.

Phil "Fuck" Hughes was able to stave off the Toronto Blue Jays yesterday, he kept them down to two earned runs, and the Yanks scored 4 runs. He may very well be our Ace after all.

Phil Hughes keeps the Blue Jays at bay, and A-Rod in the hot corner gets paid more than the entire staff of The Florida Marlins. Their pay roll is a tawdry and paltry $14 million, the amount Steinbrenner spends on beer cups. He sells T-Shirts that say Godzilla, and Joba, and A-Rod, and this is the state of things to come, and things are looking more and more like... there is a whiff of 1929 about all this... it's no accident that Godzilla, the movie, debuted four years later in 1933...

_ _ _ _ Jones, who works for Bear Stearns, was going to get paid $2 for every share he had. Three days previous, he could have gotten $30 a share. Now that we've bailed out Bear Stearns and _ _ _ _ Jones, he will get at least $10 a share, and everything's going to be OK. As long as _ _ _ _ Jones is going to make money, the economy is going to be just fine... or so they say.

The blick guy, the security guard at Modells... He can't pay his mortgage, but we don't bail him out. We bail out the millionaire's, like _ _ _ _ Jones.

Yes, Always.

"We were on to a can of peas, a big dish of peas, when I said 'In July'..."
- Orson Welles

It would seem that 81% of Americans believe the country is on the wrong track.

Obama raised $40 million in March, compared to Clinton's $20 million.

People want something different, something new, something fresh... Whatever it is, as long as it doesn't look like the old way of doing things...

Universal Music, Warner Music, and Sony BMG are challenging the dominance of Apple's iTunes by offering digital downloads to MySpace users via MySpace Music. This is a huge step, as iTunes has just surpassed WalMart to become the biggest music retailer in the US. The record companies will find anyway they can to not let iTunes take all the glory, and as Lehman Bros proved the other day, along with Obama in March; there is still capital to be had out there. Folks still throw money at their problems.

Speaking of which, thanks again to Phil "Fuck" Hughes, as your pal Longcipher is now officially out of the hole and back on ground level. Now I need a few big wins this weekend to carry me through the week, as I'm going to need a new flat screen TV, and gas prices are about to hit $4 a gallon, and a half pound of coffee is over $5, and sour diesel is $600 an ounce, more than gold, and iTunes is the No. 1 music retailer in the country, and perhaps the overall mood is best summed up by Dirk Hoffmann-Becking, an analyst at Bernstein Research in London, who said;

*"It's hard to make a case to someone wealthy that you can manage their money well when you've just lost $37 billion yourself."

* In reference to Swiss Bank UBS, which has booked $37.7 billion in write-downs.

Microsoft is still trying to gobble up Yahoo, but they need to iron out the details between the suits first. As soon as they find an agreeable severance package for Yahoo folks, a deal will be struck. Senior executives just met in Sunnyvale, CA, with no bankers present.

Bankers are the new politicians/producers/agents - Nobody wants them around anymore.

Next week I'll discuss the looming actors strike in Hollywood, and how that will cause more financial damage to Hollywood and by turn the US, losses amounting to billions of dollars, possibly worse than the recent writers strike... and through it all, your pal  Longcipher needs to find a way to gamble large amounts of money on baseball... A long season indeed. A Dry, White Season...

 

Edvard Longcipher will take the weekend off to work on his state-of-the-art home security system in preparation for the upcoming riots. Shoot first, ask questions later.

 

 

3 April

Letters to Longcipher: Crooked Politicians and Bad Receptions, Live from The Fallout Shelter, Viva la bailarina en mi cocina...

I was at the Yankee Game last night with Maria. She had the night off from The Club. It was ten minutes before first pitch when I realized I couldn't bet on Mike Mussina. It was a fool's bet.

"I'm calling Coach," I said. Coach is my bookie.

"I'm switching my bet."

"Who are you gonna bet," Maria asked, looking in her flip-mirror, fixing her hair.
"I have to bet against Mussina. He was a loser when we picked him up from Baltimore, and he's still a loser," I said.

I speed dialed Coach, who tried to convince me not to switch my bet. He knew I was right, that Mussina didn't stand a chance.

"Enough of your double talk, Coach. I don't wanna bail out Bear Stearns all in one week. Just give me Toronto. Two bills."

"You got it, kid," he said.

I hung up, and Maria looked upset.

"What now?" I said.

"I broke a nail," she pouted.

She still has no concept of loss. Ah, to be twenty and good looking...

The Blue Jays killed Mussina, 5-2. I had made the smart choice in the end. I wasn't out of the hole completely, but I was eye level. There was visible light, and there was a deep tissue rub down from Maria post game. In the end, as always, The Bronx is up, and Brooklyn's down.

***

Today's first email comes from Roger Park, from Studio City, Los Angeles. Roger writes in;

Dear Mr. Longcipher,

What about bleks?

Well Roger, what can I say about the bleks? They're everywhere these days, especially in New York City, where I call home. There's really no escape. At least, not in my daily life, there isn't...

So what can a white man do? Well, he can move to Scottsdale, Arizona, for starters. But unless he's a golfer who likes Pizzeria Uno, he's going to be in for quite the disappointment. Sure, Arizona has great weather and all, but the high class call girls are few and far between. Also, It's harder to find a book maker who can sling you an eight ball and a set of blonde twins on top of a three-team teaser.

My advice is; deal with the blek.

They are here for the long haul, probably longer than you. They retain heat better, they can run faster, and they can withstand days without water. They're most likely going to take over the earth one day, so just deal with them. Besides, I hear there are plenty (bleks) in Los Angeles these days, and whatever Washington D.C. can't handle, they'll be sure to export West. Just sit tight. Reinforcements are on the way.

***

The next email comes from an Aisling Donnelly, from Dublin, Ireland. Aisling writes,

Mr. Longcipher,

Are all Americans as stupid as they appear on my TV?

Good question, Aisling. The answer is yes, but let me qualify that explanation even further; you are watching TV on a soon to be obsolete box-television, and we here in America all have flat screen TV's now. We are more advanced than you folk over in Ireland, so while we may look stupid on your TV now, just wait until you have HDTV over there, Americans will look even more stupid, if that's at all possible...

Speaking of Ireland, Prime Minister Bertie Ahern announced today he's going to step down on May 6. He wants to call an end into investigations into his personal business dealings, and the Irish are unfazed. This may be the man single handedly responsible for taking Ireland out of the role of "the Cuba of Europe" and turning them into a financial player with powerful exporting capabilities.

Ahern made power moves and major changes, but he didn't divorce his wife and marry a former model/pop star named Carla Bruni, and this just proves how far off Ireland is as a European country. Maybe someday, Mr. Ahern, but certainly not now...

At any rate, Cheers, Mr. Ahern, thanks for the pepperoni...

And here's to Mike Mussina, who's faulty pitching has lifted me up from the bottom of the hole tonight...

Speaking of hole, I can hear Maria's high heels clickity-clacking on the kitchen tile... Your 'ol pal Longcipher has got to run off now... Something just came up.

Edvard Longcipher is a professional gambler and does not endorse wagering against major league baseball teams without proper training. He is available for such private instruction, at a price. His contact information is available to those who put a little effort into finding it.

 

 

2 April

Love Letters from Capitol Hill (White-Man-Stay-at-Home-Blues)

"Here comes the blind commissioner,
They've got him in a trance.
One hand is tied to the tightrope walker,
The other is in his pants."
- Bob Dylan, "Desolation Row"

"It feels awesome."
- Joe Girardi, on his first win as New Yankees Manager

"There's UFO's over New York,
And I ain't too surprised."
- John Lennon, "Nobody Told Me"

Yesterday was the first day of the second quarter on Wall Street, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average soared more than 200 points on news that Swiss bank UBS AG said it is issuing up to $15 billion in new stock, along with Lehman Bros' announcement on Monday. Lehman Bros shares rose $3.47, or 9%, to $41.11.

Airports are reporting disruptions in flight activity due to weather conditions, according to the Federal Aviation Administration's Air Traffic Control System Command Center. General arrival and departure delays at Stewart Airport were averaging 15 minutes or less, as well as Albany International Airport. Arriving flights at JFK airport in New York City were experiencing delays averaging 1 hour and 53 minutes. La Guardia Airport was also experiencing flight delays, and there were rumblings about "unidentified flying objects" from my moles over at Newark International Airport all day yesterday, with no mention of foul weather from any of them...

Motorists are paying a national average of $3.29 a gallon at the pump, and global oil prices remain above $100 a barrel. Top executives of the five biggest US oil companies were grilled yesterday on Capital Hill by the Energy and Commerce Committee hearing on oil and gasoline prices. Executives were asked to defend their profits last year - totaling $123 billion.

"Our earnings, though high in absolute terms, need to be viewed in the context of the scale and cyclical, long-term nature of our industry as well as the huge investment requirements," said J.S. Simon, Exxon Mobil's senior vice president.

The four other oil companies say they have spent $3.5 billion in recent years on solar, wind, bio diesel and other renewable projects. Simon said his company (which earned $40 billion last year) had provided $100 million on research into climate change at Stanford University, but that current alternative energy technologies "just do not have an appreciable impact" in addressing "the challenge we're trying to meet."

Simon was not clear on what those "challenges" are, and the Democrats on the committee never pressed him for an explanation. It is assumed the "challenges" would be finding ways to receive comparable bonuses on par to what the executives now receive every Christmas.

The executives were challenged to pledge 10% of their profits to develop renewable energy and give up $18 billion in tax breaks over 10 years so money could be funneled to support other energy and conservation.

The executives wholly rejected any tax increases.

"Imposing punitive taxes on American energy companies, which already pay record taxes, will discourage the sustained investment needed to continue safeguarding US energy security," Simon insisted.

"These companies are defending billions of federal subsidies... while reaping over a hundred billion in profits in just the last year alone," complained Rep. Edward Markey, (D- Mass), during the proceedings.

Markey, a staunch Democrat, will be discovering a severed horse's head in his bed any day now.

And in surely what is the best news of yesterday, Dr. Vini Khurana, one of the world's top neurosurgeons, finds there is growing evidence that using a cell phone for more than 10 years can double the risk of brain cancer. Khurana is urging governments to take "immediate steps" to reduce people's exposure to radiation. Dr. Khurana said that cell phones "may" be more dangerous than cigarettes or asbestos.

Dr. Robert Ashton, a thoracic surgeon, is skeptical of the study. "This study hasn't been accepted in a peer review journal. There's no clear link between cell phone use and brain cancer. To compare cell phone use and tobacco, I don't think is appropriate."

The FDA says further investigation is warranted, and Dr. Khurana was not specific as to what he meant when he urged the US government to take "immediate steps," as vagueness was the order of the day yesterday.

Your pal Longcipher took yet another financial blow yesterday, as The New York Yankees beat The Toronto Blue Jays 4-3 yesterday at the Home Opener at Yankee Stadium. If you recall yesterday's column, I had placed my money on Toronto.

Joe Girardi is off to a good start, and your humble narrator is off to a shaky lift-off. I had to cancel my victory bash with Maria last night, and as I'm quite sure she found a suitable replacement for me, I instead stayed home and took a Louisville Slugger to my cell phone, having received my latest bill and an invoice from my health insurance carrier.

It seems, after doing the math, I could never afford the costs to cover the bills of brain cancer, so I decided to kill my phone instead, and invest all of my money in sports gambling and the top five oil companies.

With any luck, the Yankees will win again tomorrow, and Exxon Mobil will soar 10% in trading. As for Maria and I, the sweaty drug-infused dancing will have to wait. Ah, to be rich and have a sweaty Puerto Rican on your arm, there really is no better life...

Just ask Mrs. Carlos Beltran.

 

Edvard Longcipher is an avid collector of vintage stevedore hand tools, so all donations of said items can be sent to Mr. Longcipher c/o Walrus Comix headquarters.

 

 

 

 

 

1 April

Play Ball! (A Pocket Guide Primer on the Bloodletting to Come: Tighten Up, Vol. 88)

"We still maintain that we don't need capital, but we've realized that perception is the dominant issue in today's markets."
- Erin Callan, Chief Financial Officer of Lehman Bros, on Lehman Bros' plan to sell $3 billion worth of new shares to US Institutions to reassure investors that it has ample access to capital.

"I just figured it was going to get rained out. Other people were more optimistic than me, but I'm usually right, on any of my predictions."
- Hank Steinbrenner, March 31, 2008

"There is a whiff of 1929 about all this... Now the question is: What else is out there? Will the liquidity and solvency of other large banks and brokers be called into question?"
- The Financial Times of London, March 17, 2008

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Fact: New York Yankees Manager Miller Huggins literally did not survive the 1929 season. He died from blood poisoning with only 11 games remaining.

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Chronic Heartburn is on the rise, as are the complications it causes, like esophageal cancer. Hospitalizations for all reflux-caused esophageal disorders doubled between 1998 and 2005, says the US Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, and in the last 20 years, esophageal cancer has risen six-fold. Roughly 16,470 Americans will be diagnosed with it this year alone, according to the American Cancer Society, and 14,280 will die from it in the same time period.

Cutting out the esophagus has long been the answer, but now a special device is used which carefully goes down the throat and slices off the precancerous layer, then burns away the cancerous tissue with hopes of healthy cells growing back in their place. Slash and burn at work.

A newer treatment involves a balloon-like device (called a Barrx) that gets nestled directly into the esophagus lining and beams RF energy straight into it. "It shouldn't hurt too much," Dr. Ivan Ackerman of Johns-Hopkins Universitytells me, as "a damaged esophagus may no longer feel the burn of acid reflux, let alone a device that slices away at one's inner lining."

Indeed.

We the (tax paying) people of the United States are set to bail out Bear Stearns, loaning JP Morgan $29 billion dollars to purchase Bear Stearns and it's liabilities. Should Bear Stearns end up being completely worthless (which my sources guarantee me will be the case), then the Federal Reserve will be out $28 billion, as JP Morgan is only responsible for $1 billion in losses, according to a new deal between the banking giant and our federal government.

JP Morgan gets the best deal in town, and it is a deal guaranteed to squeeze the nuts of every able bodied citizen in the United States; more banks will crash, and as mortage rates rise, the country will nose dive into inflation which will spark a whole new set of problems to contend with.

Things are starting to get so ugly even the blind can smell the death in the air; soup lines are forming along First and Tenth Avenues in New York City, and rioting is expected to commence this evening in Detroit and Cleveland at 7pm (EST). President Bush has declared a state of emergency, and US troops have been dispatched to defend downtown Los Angeles from looters. Tanks are rolling into Milwaukee as I write this, and Baltimore is embracing for wilding in the streets as SWAT teams are settling into place, ready to shoot and kill anyone found in the streets past curfew (10pm). Downtown Dallas is under siege, and illegal immigrants are flooding across our borders faster than Border Control can contain them.

The shit storm down on Wall Street continues, as does the downward spiral of the Federal Reserve. The inner lining of the Reserve's pockets are burning faster than an esophagus with Barretts disease, and there is no balloon in sight ready to infuse the economy with RF energy.

Yesterday was Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, and due to a rain delay which lasted over two hours, Opening Day was postponed until today; but not before the stadium was opened to the general public, who bought lots of beer and hot dogs and merchandise without the first pitch ever having been thrown.

Over in Chicago, at Wrigley Field, the rain was coming down as well, but the game went on, only pausing for a delay in the third inning. My handicapper had informed me prior to game time that he was favoring the Cubbies over Ben Sheets and the Brew Crew, and I took his action, laying an ample amount on Carlos Zambrano and the Cursed Cubs. Sure enough, after ten innings of play, Milwaukee trumped Chicago, 4 to 3. It was an inauspicious season opener, to say the least.

My good friend Alvarez, who sells T-shirts outside Yankee Stadium was the real winner yesterday, as he was praying for an opening day just like yesterday's. "If it rains," he explained to me, "the people will buy my merchandise anyway. Then they come back tomorrow and buy some more, and I get 83 days of work instead of 82."

Joe Girardi didn't get to prove anything today as new Yankees Manager, but Hank Steinbrenner proved he was indeed a worthwhile heir to papa's throne; he was smart enough to open the stadium doors knowing all along the game would be postponed. People spent massive amounts of money that they don't even have on trinkets and Yankee ponchos, and in the end there was no Yankee baseball, only a rain check and a "see you tomorrow" from Hank. Chicago went on with the show, and despite their optimism they got beat in front of 30,000 loyal fans on opening day, and your pal Longcipher is already two thousand dollars in the hole as of April 1.

Tonight I will be placing my action on Roy Halladay and the Toronto Blue Jays, as I expect the Jays to bitch slap Chien Ming-Wang and the Yankees in front of 55,000 loyal Yankee fans. It won't be pretty, and Joe Girardi will have a sour welcome as the new Manager, but your humble narrator will have pulled himself out of the hole and with any luck a victory celebration will be well under way at Bronx hot spot Jimmy's by 11pm tonight. You'll find me there popping champagne corks, blowing rails in the toilet, and dancing the night away with a sweaty Puerto Rican stripper named Maria until dawn, and I'll be thanking Roy Halladay on Wednesday morning for my good times.

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The financial crunch that is coming is nothing compared to the long term bleeding that will follow for years to come. My sources on Wall Street tell me it makes no difference who takes over the presidency, either way, it seems P.T. Anderson was indeed correct; There Will be Blood.

One of my Wall Street insiders predicts the bleeding to continue straight through 2010, and this is coming from my most optimistic man in the field. Most of my moles foresee pain and misery which will last at least five years, meaning whoever inherits the office of President stands no chance of having a "successful" run and/or being re-elected.

We are at the cusp of a downward spiral so unforgiving that there is talk of a possible lock down taking place on all American citizens; every man, woman and child in the country will be required to submit a written request to leave the country, as our government will begin taking steps to prevent carpetbaggers who hightail it for Europe or elsewhere with American dollars ready to convert them into Euros or Yen. The American Dollar is getting hammered, and will soon be as worthless as Bear Stearns if the Fed continues printing money at the rate they have been.

News comes across the ticker that Lehman Bros. is looking to raise $3 billion in hopes of quelling fears they are not worth their share price, and you can expect more banks to follow suit. They (banks) will assure us everything is fine, that they don't really need the capital, but they will attempt to raise it anyway to keep their share prices from plummeting.

The decades long party of banks getting away with credit card highway robbery is coming to a close, and the chickens have come home to roost. The once mighty banks will fall to their knees and pray for mercy, and soon Bear Stearns will be nothing more than a morbid reminder of what becomes of greed and excess when the wrath of gravity comes crashing down with a vengeance the likes of the blood disease that claimed Miller Huggins' life in 1929. It will be swift and sudden, and it will not care if there are only 11 games left in the season. As the man said, "there is a whiff of 1929 about all this..."

Edvard Longcipher's views are solely his own and not those of Walrus Comix. Any coincidence to The Book of Revelations is purely coincidental. Mr. Longcipher can be reached at longcipher@yahoo.com

 

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